  &quot;By eighteen, I was good at defending not only myself but her, I would chase them out with my bat swinging. I'd learned to use my anger effectively, I had so much of it, so much hatred inside of me. I would just keep hitting until my arms ached with the effort … I smashed two of her boyfriend's cars up in a bid to chase them off.&quot; I shift position on the bed, pulling my legs out and stretching them out, sighing heavily. &quot;She would hate me after and make me go elsewhere to cool down so I slept rough for days on end because she wouldn't let me come home until I apologized to them for it, which meant returning to being abused in one way or another.&quot; I laugh sardonically, my wonderful mother and her screwed-up sense of parenting.
      &quot;Ray was the first one to put me back down on my ass and show me I was no match for a man … He wanted me to have sex with him and w

  The departure from the boat this morning is tense, Marissa calls several times, ending in heated arguments over Jake's refusal to meet with lawyers until she agrees to Jake's terms and not hers. Every time causes Jake to hang up in agitation and throw his phone in various directions, violently, cursing and going off in a full Italian rant. I sit watching with my breath held until he calms down, unsure what to say to bring him back to a simmer instead; there isn't much to calm that hot temper and I know to let it run its course. His emotions are on edge with the topic of the baby and Marissa seems to know exactly how to push his buttons.
      The flight home is silent, listening to music as he thrashes emails back and forth to his legal advisor about the meeting over paternity rights. He's tense and agitated and very much the Jake Carrero I used to work for; boyfriend Jake on hiatus as

  My voice catches in my lungs and I can't formulate a reply, I just stare at him in open-mouthed silence, inner tingles waving over me like hot sauce. Jake's never mentioned marriage before, I know he loves me, but part of me still finds it hard to believe he loves me as much as this.
      &quot;You want to marry me one day, right?&quot; He halts and suddenly sounds so young and unsure, my silence making him think I'm freaking out in a bad way. I guess a small part of me is, but mostly I'm shocked into silence. He moves closer, panic in his face, the doubt that he's said something he shouldn't have. I reach out for him and he follows, wrapping himself within my arms.
      &quot;I just didn't think you would want that with me,&quot; I mumble, the tears stinging my eyes for a different reason and I sniff.
      &quot;Why wouldn't I? You know how I feel about you … I've told you enough t

&quot;By eighteen, I was good at defending not only myself but her, I would chase them out with my bat swinging. I'd learned to use my anger effectively, I had so much of it, so much hatred inside of me. I would just keep hitting until my arms ached with the effort … I smashed two of her boyfriend's cars up in a bid to chase them off.&quot; I shift position on the bed, pulling my legs out and stretching them out, sighing heavily. &quot;She would hate me after and make me go elsewhere to cool down so I slept rough for days on end because she wouldn't let me come home until I apologized to them for it, which meant returning to being abused in one way or another.&quot; I laugh sardonically, my wonderful mother and her screwed-up sense of parenting.
      &quot;Ray was the first one to put me back down on my ass and show me I was no match for a man … He wanted me to have sex with him and when I refused, he beat the crap out of me while trying to take me by force, he tried to rape me. She 

Chapter 39