Chapter 15 what sums up a man

It has now been a week, five days, and twenty hours. I have started caring less, not for Tyler but for myself. As every day passes, I hate myself more and more; why did I do this to him, why did I have to go run after another man and turn him into a complete monster. He was always there, no matter how small or how bad. He believed in me no matter what I did, no matter where I went. He loved me more than I would really ever know. Doctor Cane said I must meet him today to talk about Tyler's progress; there might just be some hope for this dire situation; maybe this time, I am the one that found a miracle. So, it is with great anticipation, but most fear that I am waiting for Doctor Cane in Tyler's hospital room. As I see him walking up to me, it is hard to read his face; I don't know where this will go. "Hi, Jenna." "Hi, Doctor Cane." "Please come sit down." "What's wrong? Is it Tyler?" I watch as he swallows real hard, and for a brief moment, I can see it in his eyes. There is a sparkle, but it is not a sparkle that means hope; there are tears that are forming in the depths of his eyes. "Jenna, with so many instances with people in comas and when brain damage becomes a definite outcome, there comes a time when a decision has to be made." "What do you mean? What is wrong with Tyler?" "Jenna, I am sorry." "Sorry for what? What is going on?" "Jenna, the Tyler you know is no longer there anymore. Everything I do is not helping." I shake my head in disbelief; I don't think I know what he means. "I don't understand what you mean. Please just tell me." "Jenna, Tyler...I am so sorry." "What do you mean that you are sorry? Is he going to wake up?" I hold my breath waiting for an answer that will give me new hope, but it feels as I am staring the fear of seven horrors in the eyes. There is an abyss, and I am slowly disappearing into it. "Please, Doctor Cane, please." "Jenna, I don t think..." I once again do not let him answer, I do not want to hear the reality that stares me in the face. But yet Doctor Cane continues, "We will do another scan, but I fear that we might be brain dead." "No. No. No, you are not serious. No. Do you want to tell me Tyler is brain dead, that those machines are the only thing that is keeping him going?" "I am afraid might be, Jenna." "No. No. No, it's not true. Do the tests again." My world comes crashing down like an erupting volcano. It is red, hot, and heavy as the pain consumes my heart. Everything seizes to exist; I seize to exist. My body dies with every breath that I take. The tears sting me to the bone and burn down my face. "Doctor Cane, you can't do this to me. Please bring him back. Give him more medication, just do something. He is not dead!" I am going to fucking jump out this window if he is brain dead. They must have made a mistake. He is just lost in his head; he just needs to find his way home. He is not dead; he is only sleeping. Then my mind goes back to something else that he had said, "You said I must make a decision; what do you want from me?" "If Tyler is brain dead then you will need to switch off the machines." "What is wrong with you? Can you not do it yourself?" "I am sorry, but you have to." "Why have you stopped fighting for him?" "I have not, Jenna. I will continue to fight until there is nothing left in me to fight for Tyler anymore." "What if I don t want to switch the machines off? What is going to happen? Can he even hear when I talk to him?" "No." The sadness that has taken filled the room has now run a rampage through my heart. This cannot happen. So with that, I turn to Doctor Cane again, "I need to think Please do those tests again." With that I find myself doing the same long dreadful drive that I have been making since the accident. The 'accident is what everybody calls. The very accident that has that Detective still showing up at my door. After what felt like half a day, I am finally pulling into the driveway of the ranch. On the porch at least there is a friendly face…Sandra. God, if it was not for her, I do not know how I would have survived these last twelve days. She has been the light that keeps on shining around here, but as she sees the sadness on he face, it all seems to fade away. "Oh, Jenna. What is wrong?" "It is Tyler…" I start to tell her the horrible news that Doctor Cane shared with me this morning. As the word creep leaves my lips…brain dead, I break down all over again. Needless to say, head straight to bed where I get lost in my pain and sorrow. As I wake up from a horrible dream, I think to myself that I never thought that this would happen. How do you prepare yourself for a situation like this? You don't, cause this just does not happen to normal people like us; it always happens to someone else. You live your life in a perfect bubble until something; one thing bursts your happy, secure life. How do you look the man you love in his beautiful lifeless eyes and unplug the only thing that is keeping him alive. You are powerless; no amount of begging and tears will bring him back. He cannot feel your touch, your kisses, or even hear your voice. The very last thing you said to him was offering him a cup of coffee, and that will be the very last memory you will ever have of him. Can he even hear me to where he is going? Will he be able to read all the letters I have written him. Has everything been for nothing? I don't want him to leave me alone, so I sit down and write the last letter I will ever write to him. "Dear Tyler, It has been one week, six days, and four hours. I don't know how much longer I can last. I am heartsick, broken, I miss you desperately, and right now, I just want to surround myself with things that remind me of our life together. I want to go home; I want you to come home with me. I dream of you every night and pray that you shall find your way. It is tearing me in half. Please come back. Even now, when I am so close, I have never felt farther away. That has to mean something. Right? If it hurts this much to be without you, then the only answer is we are meant to be together. Being without you feels like being at odds with the universe. The longer we are apart, the more stretched I feel, like I am hanging by a thread, and this one strand is my only tether to life. If I let go, I won't survive. I hope that you are okay out there. Are you? Are you alone? Wherever you are, wherever you plan to go, one day you will turn around, and I will be there. Please remember. No matter the distance, my heart will always find yours, and I love you with everything that I am. I wish that I could come to find you, to hold you, and to kiss you. I want to tell you I will love you forever, body, heart, and soul. I will love you for the rest of my life. Forever yours." And this is what my life has come to, fighting a battle with a man that does not seem like he wants to fight himself. I have started to think that the day is going to come that I will have to switch that goddamn machine. I can imagine how, for just a brief second that you will be gasping for air, but yet that will be the last thing that will leave your body that keeps you alive. But I do not want to think this. This is not easy; it is, in fact, beyond possible for me. Isolating myself and living a life filled with tears, pain, heartache, and regrets is not healthy for any damaged soul. I don't think this hole in my heart will be filled. I don't want it to be filled because once it does, that is when you start to forget, you start to move on. I don't ever want to forget him; he was my one and only true love, I don't want to move on. Yet, this is something I do not wish to feel. So, what sums Tyler up. One word – LOVE. On the exterior, you have soft brown hair just messed up in the perfect way. Beautiful brown eyes that pierce straight into your soul. Soft rose-colored lips that melted into my lips and every inch of my body that he kissed. A perfectly chiseled jaw, enhancing his manlike features. A hard, sculpted chest that gave me comfort all those many nights I cried. His rippled stomach always had my heart racing. Lastly is steady legs that carried me to bed often. On the inside is a man with a big heart, a man that cared, sometimes more than he should. He gave so much of himself and ask for little to nothing in return. Your needs were always greater than his. He never gave up on me no matter what I did to him. He looked past that and still love me the way that his heart wanted. When he hurt, he would cover it up with a smile. When he wanted to cry, he covers it up with laughter. All those times his body trembled of fear and anger, he used to say it was cold If he has to go, I will miss his gentle touch, his soft kiss, the shampoo on his hair, the cologne that lingers on his skin. I am going to miss his laughter, the gentleness of his voice, the way he moans while he is sleeping. I am going to miss the way he teased me; I am going to miss him watching chick flicks with me, I am going to miss him making hot chocolate for me. I will miss him. He loves and loves, and beyond that, he loves again. I will love him forever. But the time has come that we talk about what happened in the stables that morning. So with a smile that is not truly reaching my heart, Sandra pulls up a chair to come to sit next to me. She need not even have to ask the question, "Sandra, I think that the Detective thinks that it was me that shot him."