Chapter 14 searching for answers

It has now been a week. They have moved him to another room; at least there is some sunshine and a couple of birds outside singing. There is still no improvement. I am struggling to see the future. They say that there comes a time that you need to make peace with what could the outcome of a situation; I am bordering on that line of peace and hope. It becomes dangerous when you give up on hope and faith; you are not only letting go of the situation but also of yourself. You stop waiting; then you stop caring, then you stop living. You become the shadow of the person you were before; a black hole swallows you in, and there you stay, not by accident but by choice. How can it be possible for someone to be gone for so long? Is he that lost that he can not find his way back? I am soon ripped from my thoughts as Doctor Cane enters the room, I have really been giving him a real hard time, but he does understand. He, too, feels frustrated, and his heart hurts just as bad. But he keeps his head up and tries to keep me motivated. But this morning, there is a different look in his eyes as he greets me, "Hi Jenna." "Hi, Doctor Cane." "I am starting to get concerned that Jenna is not improving at all." "What is wrong?" "We need to do tests to check where we stand. I need to determine if there is any brain function or damage." "Will it tell you if he is going to wake up?" "Yes, I will be able to tell you if he is going to be okay. I will arrange for this afternoon. Why don't you go home and get some rest? I will phone you when I am done." "Okay, thanks, Doctor Cane." I make my way home; just like any other day for all these days. Just like any other day, my heart drops out of my chest, and my feet start trampling it as take a walk up to the stables where everything happened. I don t know why I bring myself here when I know it causes me pain. I guess in a way it brings me closer to a time that he was still here. But like all other days, when I get home and I step into our bedroom, all those feelings, it just multiplies. I can feel his presence in every room; I can hear his laughter in the hallways, the trickling of the shower reminds me of his godlike body soaking under the water, I can smell his cologne lingering on all his shirts. When I am in bed, I feel his arms around me and his lips touching my lips. I don't want to be here. So I make my way outside with a big glass of red wine and my notebook. I pray every night as I fill these pages that I will be able to show them to Tyler one day. But for now, they are my own escape from reality and the only link I have to him. "My dear Tyler, It has been seven days, six hours, and nine minutes since you have been ripped away from my life. I honestly thought by now that you would have awakened and been back in my arms. Unfortunately, we appear to be no closer than when you first left our presence, but I am still with hope. As I sit here surrounded by the trees and late summer blossoms, my only focus is to scribble out this missive in hopes that one day you will be here next to me reading every single page. I have lost count on how many times I check my phone for the one call from Doctor Cane that is going to be the one that gives us the news that we are expecting. But my love, I do not know which news it is that we are expecting, for things are so touch and go that we have no idea if one day it will be good or if the next day it may turn out bad. As with the hospital, where I had my chair next to your bedside, I now fill the hours that I am not there here at home sitting in this chair watching each sunset and sunrise, lonely, but here I remain until now, tomorrow, and forever. I have so many times found myself wandering to that big old tree in hoping that it will guide me to you, but it is as empty as everything else around here. There is a deafening silence, peaceful but not the peace you want to feel when there is a suffocation grip around your heart. The times I go down to the river, I pray that the water that rushes over the pebbles will carry me to the other side where you are waiting. But my love, there is nothing, the spot under the tree is empty, and the water bubble over into nothing. You are not here. I wish that I had appreciated those moments more when I had them, but the things we take for granted are often the things we missed the most. Oh, god, I miss your voice. I miss hearing you say, 'I love you.' Not just the words but the way you say them. Like love is the same as breathing. Natural. Easy. Essential. You know, for the life of me, I cannot remember if I said it to you that day. Did you know that I love you? Did you ever doubt that I love you? The thought makes me sick just thinking that I did not say I love you that day. I love you SO. FUCKING. MUCH and you deserve better than you have now. Tyler, I promise you, I will never go another day without telling you how I feel. There is nothing else in the world I want more. You are everything to me, and if there is only one thing I do before this ends, it will be to hold you and tell you I love you. This candle is burning; it is burning strong. I am holding on; my hand is here; please, Tyler, take it. You have been away for far too long; it is time to come home now. Winter is coming, it is soon going to become really cold out there, you need to find your way back home soon. I love you so much." I close my notebook and make my way inside, it is getting darker earlier now and the wind begins to chill in the evening. As with so many nights now, I get into bed and cry myself to sleep. I am whisked off to a land where nightmares fill my being, where I walk with the evil that is called sorrow and the devil that is named regret. A very short but tortured rest carries me through the night. It is bright and very early when my phone rings, it is Doctor Cane. I am pulled back into reality faster than a wink of the eye, and a coldness of shivers sets over my skin. Is this the call that we have been waiting for? With slight hesitation, I answer a very calm man on the other side. "Hi, Jenna." "Hi, Doctor Cane. Is something wrong?" "We done with the tests; Jenna the swelling has not come down on the brain." "What does that mean?" "There is a fluid build-up that is putting pressure on his brain." My mind drifts off at the mere thought that just when we think that things are fine, that they seem to be going wrong. "I don't understand. What happens now?" "We need to get the swelling down otherwise he is not going to make it." "How long? How long now?" "Jenna, I can't tell you?" In an instant, my temper flares, and the fear of uncertainty consumes me again. "Doctor Cane, what do you know?" "Jenna, I am fighting as hard as I can for Tyler, but it does not help me fighting if he is not willing to fight with me. Now, right now, he is just hanging on. It is frustrating and heartbreaking. I don't know what more I can do for him but wait. But we cannot wait forever. So either you get him to damn fight or pray for a miracle." With that Doctor Cane drops the call. I feel as the truth of his words stings me, and slowly drops of tears start pushing to the surface. Just a trickle, but as the full reality sets in, they rush like a raging river down my face. But just as I am about to fall down into a bundle of a mess back onto my bed, I hear a knock at the door. It must be Sandra, she promised to come up for a couple of days, and she still owes me an answer from our last conversations. Guess there are so many answers that are yet to be given, and as I get to the front door, there he is once again. "Detective Fletcher. I see you are here to harass me again." "Mrs. Moore," I need to know what happened in that stable." He pauses for a few moments. "I am not going anywhere without the answers." "Detective Fletcher, how must I give you the answer, if I do not know them myself?"