4 Understanding The Emotions

Sarah woke up to her phone pinging away. She knew before picking it up that it would be from Hannah and sure enough, she was asking about Eric. Again. Ignoring her messages Sarah got into a hot shower that almost burned her skin to get more clarity in her thoughts. She was dressed and in her office within an hour trying to make sense of the email this Zane guy had sent her last night. He wanted the theme to be changed to a somewhat Gothic look. He wanted dark purple napkins instead of ice blue like previously ordered and good cutlery instead of classic silver. He wanted smoke guns placed at the entrance and behind the stage. Red wine instead of champagne and the DJ should be playing a few heavy metal songs as well as the ones selected by his sister. He also wanted chicken liver added to the menu. Yuck! All of that was not impossible to achieve but just a big pain in Sarah’s behind. She got so busy with her planning and making all the calls that she didn't realize it was almost time for lunch. A text from Eric dragged her to the present and she almost ran away from the office before pulling herself together and putting on a smile as Eric entered her office. Automatically she stood up. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of him. He was so good looking in a boy-next-door kind of way. His blond hair and blue eyes always shone with a cheerfulness that was almost blinding. He was naturally good natured and always smiling. He was a basketball player in college and had a strong and lean physique. She instantly felt her attraction towards him like always. But she controlled herself, today was not the day for her to be distracted by his charm. She needed to make a few things clear before she was once again swept from her feet by him. “Ahem! Hi Eric, how are you?” she asked, trying not to look at him. She was nervous, her hands shook as she busied herself stacking random papers on her desk. He moved forward without a word and placed something on her desk. She looked up at his face first and then at the thing he had just set down. It was her favorite pastry from a cafe on the other side of the city. He smiled at her and her breath hitched. The fact that he drove almost an hour in traffic to get her this small gift was all the more reason for her to be honest with him. “That's sweet Eric. Thank you. But you know we need to talk. Please have a seat.” she gestured to the chair in front of her desk and sat down on her own chair. He obliged and looked at her expectantly. He still hadn't said anything and his silence was unnerving. “Eric, we have been together for a while now and you know how I feel about you. But lately, I have been very busy with work and haven't been able to give you the time or attention you deserve. I don't think it's fair to you.” She was surprised by her own words. This was not what she had planned on saying, this was a coward’s way out. She was just sparing his feelings, at least that's the excuse she gave herself. Breath whooshed out of him before he spoke and it made her realize that he’d been holding it all this time, waiting for her to say what she wanted to say. “Sarah, I know you have loved me, and I love you more than anything in the world. But this growing distance is very disturbing for me. Please tell me, what did I do wrong? How can I make it better? What should I do to make this tension between us go away?” She felt like she had been slapped. Was he feeling guilty for doing something that made me hate him? Did I make him feel bad about himself? That he had disappointed me somehow. She couldn't even meet his eyes now, she felt terrible for doing this to the guy who had given her all his heart. But the distance was there, that wasn't a lie. She didn't know how or when, but something had changed. “Eric, please. I feel terrible already. I don't want us to fight and that's why I have been putting a bit of distance between us. I just feel overwhelmed occasionally. It's like you are expecting too much from me which I am unable to give. I think you deserve better than me.” a tear slipped from the corner of her eye and she brushed it aside almost angrily. Furious with herself at this show of weakness. He was beside her in an instant, cradling her in his arms. She breathed his familiar, fresh scent and her body relaxed reflexively. “Sarah, I am so sorry baby. I love you so much. I hate that you feel that way but if you wanted me to give you space then you just had to say it. Of course, it's alright. I don't want anyone else Sarah. You're enough for me.” he whispered into her hair and she knew that for now, they were okay again. But the feelings of confusion were not gone; rather they arose with more intensity. He pulled away after a while and looked at her intently. “If you want me to give you a break from me then just say the word, I will go away right now. We don't have to go to your mom's party together as well,” he said gently and Sarah jolted out of her haze and stared at him. “Shit! Michael! I forgot about his birthday.” she brushed her long, dark hair out of her green eyes in frustration. Eric looked dejectedly at her. He was scanning her eyes, looking into her soul and she shuddered but then recovered quickly. “Of course I want us to go together! I am asking for a bit of space Eric, I am not breaking up with you silly.” she smiled to let him know that everything was fine and he relaxed visibly. She did feel better about letting him know about her reservations but she knew this wasn't the complete truth. They still had a lot of things to work on in their relationship and most of the issues were being created by her. As they sat in the car on the way to her mom’s house, Eric held her hand in his, while he drove with one hand. He kept glancing at her but mostly kept quiet leaving her with her thoughts. She knew she was brooding but she couldn't help it. There were things left unsaid that were still bothering her. The only reason I let him come with me today was not because I wanted him to or that he would be hurt if I told him to leave. It is because my family will ask questions on why he's not around that I am not ready to answer them yet. She reprimanded herself and mentally kicked herself for being so indifferent. She had a strong feeling that the truth would not be suppressed, and this relationship wouldn't last much longer.