Chapter 24

Lying in the dark, watching the shadows of the water on my ceiling, I'm still and numb. As sensation as though I'm floating on the ocean directly, but I'm still laid on my bed. It's night and dark… I haven't left, and I don't want to. I've cried so much that my body is ravaged and weak. I didn't know that it could do this to me … release so much … doubt … insecurity … pain. I haven't sobbed properly since I was five years old; back then I didn't cry over heartache, I only knew the tears from physical pain and illness. This is so much worse. Crying over Jake has to be the worst pain I have ever experienced, it leads to breaking down over the way my life has turned out. The way I am. I think of my mother and wonder if she disintegrated like this over the men she dated. Did she break this way over Ray Vanquis when he left? Except Jake never dated me, he never left me in that way. I never experienced her kind of heartache. Ray inflicted more than heartbreak on h