Chapter 14

I try my hardest to play it cool through an excruciating dinner with upper class gangsters. It's obvious that's what they are, yet everyone is living the fake normal life out here and it's all behind closed doors. There are smiles and polite conversation about their monotonously boring lives and over-primped wives as they guzzle down overly priced food and act like they like their present company. We are sat in one of this town's most prestigious restaurants, surrounded by opulent settings and a sparkling chandelier over my head that is practically blinding us with light. A group of porky men with way too much cologne and wives that have had to be tied into their frocks to hold in the overindulgence. A lot of jewellery on display, so much so the dazzle has given me a headache and the men can't seem to keep their bulging eyes off my cleavage. Seems Alexi isn't impressed with my choice of outfit and I did dress to just piss him off. He said conservative, yet he wants me to bend over and get fucked right after, so I dressed for the part. Ex-hooker turned mistress—in a very tight, low, and revealing little number that clings to every curve and stops mid-thigh. Cleavage popping, harlot red like my hair and laced up so tight at the back that it's almost defying gravity in keeping my breasts covered. I know I am rebelling and I will probably regret this decision very soon with the way he keeps glaring at me, but I should embrace the fact that life with Alexi Carrero is going to kill me one way or the other and at least if I stop trying to obey I will have some control over the inevitability. He might choke me through sex this time and not let up until I no longer respond. It would be a blessing in disguise. I sip on my fourth glass of red in a bid to drown out the mundane company and fuel my inner bravado. I feel tipsy and almost start to enjoy the waves of hostility coming my way. ''You're a very beautiful asset.'' One of the suits' voice waves my way and a moustache covered smile follows, eyes firmly locked on my tits as I zone back into the conversation. His dowdy grey-haired wife is looking at me as though she wants to ram her shrimp fork into my eyeball, and I smile politely. I'm guessing he asked Alexi if I was his wife and got his bog-standard reply of ''Hostess to my exclusive club.'' He would never admit to having anything that remotely constitutes some sort of connection to a woman, that might be mistaken as a relationship. ''Thank you, I do try. Alexi likes me to shine when he shows me off.'' I add with charm but laced in sarcasm and get that cool set of greys thrown my way with an evil glint of displeasure. Same look this dress got me from the moment he took my jacket off as we started to sit at our table and saw it. Surrounded by eyes waiting to pounce on him, he couldn't react, and he's been simmering ever since. He's been very charming to his guests all night, oozing confidence and smiles. I can see why he never smiles much at the club. It's all he does when faced publicly with important people, and he must get tired with the pretence. He seems completely at home among the upper class all idly chit chatting and drinking expensive booze in elegant surroundings that use way too much gold in their decorating. Practically every inanimate object is shiny yellow metal. Even with his tattoos on show that should ruin the look of an elegant businessman, somehow, he just seems to fit in all the elegance of the glamorous setting. Alexi is a thug who can pull off class. It's disconcerting, but I guess being raised in a billionaire family entrenched with generations of mobsters it gets inbred. He can sit confidently in a plush red padded chair and use an array of cutlery like a pampered pro. I have never really been comfortable around it, but I learned to play the part to fit in. High class clientele are generous, and it's a lot less work for maximum profit than scraping the streets for enough to eat. I learned young that to succeed in more than survival you had to up your class and attract a better calibre of people. Saying that, the rich tend to be way more devious and perverted with their requests, due to the fact they always get what they want and aren't afraid to demand it. With money comes a whole other world of depravity. Upping my game just opened me up to a whole new level of pain. I got out of the game as soon as I could and had enough money behind me to start fresh, reinvent myself and find another means to make money. Sex sells, it always does, and so I knew to get anywhere I had to keep it a part of my arsenal. I just didn't want to be the vessel that was used anymore and devised my own little brood of girls to open their legs instead. I was done being used, beaten and controlled and the night Rick put me in the hospital gave me my chance to take off and never go back. Who knew undergoing surgery to save my life and fix the damage he inflicted would open a passageway of escape and give me enough freedom to run as fast as I could? I could have killed myself leaving the hospital in the state I was in, and the looks I got boarding a train in a bloody hospital gown with a black bag in my hands with all my worldly possession didn't deter me. I was nineteen, knowing my life was going one way if I didn't get out and I haven't stopped running since. I don't know what it's like to ever stop looking over my shoulder and I didn't know what safe felt like until Alexi, which is completely bizarre. Always at the back of my mind is the thought that Rick might one day find me, but somehow, I don't think he would dare cross Carrero in a bid to get at me. ''Do you want to dance?'' I watch as the gentleman to my left asks his wife and holds out his arm. They are probably the sweetest couple at the table, and he is the only one, minus Alexi, whose eyes haven't been glued to my bodice all through dinner. He takes his wife and helps her out of her chair so very carefully, as though she is a precious gem and I can't help but watch with envious fascination. The way he obviously still worships the woman, even with her wrinkles and grey hairs, the podgy midriff in a gold sequin dress and aged skin. He's no catch himself, in his late fifties or more, portly and short, but she's looking at him like he is a complete Adonis and the infatuation is evident. If I was another girl I would go as far as saying it's cute in a way, wholesome if you liked that kind of thing. I have no idea why it makes me feel wretched to watch them, welling up inside and a lump catching in my throat that makes my stomachache. I glance away with a show of indifference and catch Carrero's eyes on me, watching me like a hawk, always watching for signs of my weakness, and he smirks. The rising of the pair give way to more couples getting up to head to the ballroom floor and it's not long before Alexi and I are left alone, and he looks like he has no intention of dancing with me. He's been cold, more so than normal, and I know it's because my outright defiance is brewing in that brain of his. Probably thinking up a heinous punishment suitable for the crime and I sigh at him with open irritation. ''What is it? Why are you staring at me?'' I wish he was invested in my cleavage, but that's not what this is, he's in thinking mode and something devious is going on in that brain. ''Is that what you long for?'' He nods after the couples on the floor and I blink at him in confusion. ''What are you talking about? A life here in the Hamptons with some old crusty man pawing at me. No thank you.'' I have way more self-respect than to become a trophy wife to some wrinkly old man for his money. I'd rather make my own. Alexi laughs and shifts to lean back in his chair lifting his dessert spoon and tapping it annoyingly on the surface. ''The love-sick man … adoring you and growing old together?'' If he could have made that question any more steeped in sarcasm and disdain he would have, but it's weighty as it is. I hate that he caught me watching them and my face colours with heat that maybe for a moment, deep down, I got a pang of what that could be like, to have someone love me … but I'm not stupid enough to ever want it or believe in it. I have seen the real face of men my whole life, it's all just masks and fairy tales and the reality is a dark and cruel result. The reality is men like Alexi and their belief that women are just objects they can do whatever they want to. His idea of love is ownership and punishment when you disobey. ''I gave up on that fancy a long time ago. I'm a realist. I'm damaged goods and decent men, if they even exist, avoid women like me as though we are diseased. We are good for sexual use but nothing more.'' I lift my wine and take a drink, trying to keep that enchanting smile in place while we are so public, but Alexi leans into me, dropping his spoon and props his elbow on the table so he cages me in. That good old feeling of claustrophobia washes over me. He has this down to a fine art form now. ''So what do you long for, London?'' He looks decidedly predator tonight and I recoil a little inside, wary of Carrero fishing for information. I have fallen into that trap way too many times. ''I long for a tall, dark, sexy and handsome man … To stop fucking calling me stupid pet names!'' I bite back at him, raising my chin and give him a good old raised eyebrow of attitude before sitting back to cradle my glass. Alexi laughs under his breath and stays exactly where he is. Not fazed by my anger but revelling in it instead. ''Let's dance, we can continue this conversation out there.'' He doesn't give me a chance to refuse, just grabs me, in the way he does by my arm, and yanks me with him to stand, so I have zero control of my limbs. Sliding a possessive arm around my waist, a little tightly and almost frog marches me to the dance floor. He does an up and down look of my dress with obvious disdain and tenses that square jaw of his. ''I hate this fucking dress you look like a hooker.'' He is all charm tonight, isn't he? ''Thank you, that's the look I was going for.'' I answer smugly as he hauls me into position on the floor and starts dancing me slowly to a very boring piece of classical music, pulling me into his command and almost lifting me off my feet with how tightly I'm held. It's hardly loving or comfortable and is just an aggressive show of how pissed he is at me. ''You think I am not tallying all this shit up in my head … for later?'' He almost growls it with furrowed brows and tone husky as hell as my blood turns to ice in my veins. Heartbeat escalating as weakness waves through me. I think they call that a wave of fear, yet I lift my chin and smile. ''Shock … Alexi is thinking up ways to put me back in my place. Should I be scared?'' I shouldn't poke the bear, but he just infuriates me at every turn and even if I am palpating with nerves, I am no longer going to show him that he affects me. Even if I feel sick with the fact he does. ''The club isn't the only place I have shackles installed.'' He rasps and that does shut me up, face dropping and all bravado too. He's a prick that knows how to make me shit myself, and I wouldn't put it past him to tie me up and do heinous things to me in the name of punishment. I think he gets off on it. ''You're starting to lose your cool Carrero. Outright threats and angry tones, I think you might be coming down with something serious.'' I jest at him, all fake attitude, while my heart pounds like a war drum. Alexi just smiles salaciously. ''You forget how much of you I can feel right now. Smart mouth, yet your body is in panic mode, you're running scared, London. So I can't be losing that much of my edge.'' He is a complete arsehole and I look away across the room to avoid the amusement and arrogance all over his smug arse face. I hate how clever the Tosser can be. ''Why did you bring me here? If all you are going to do is be a prick all night.'' I can feel the welt of tears brimming and it's so stupid, crying over him. Crying because of him and how much of an arsehole he can be. This is not who I am or the girl I have ever been. I rise above men and their games and laugh in their face with no effect whatsoever. I don't get why he is any different and I hate that I cannot control it. The sooner he leaves me here the better. I need him out of my life while I get a handle on the power he has over me. ''I wanted some arm candy and it looks out of place if I don't bring a date. You were easier than finding a new one for tonight on short notice.'' Wanker! Knows how to make a girl feel special. ''How much longer do we need to stay here? I'm bored, I want to leave.'' I say huffily and just avoid looking at him at all. Wounded that he just gets to me and hating the fact that I am just now one of his many ''women'' and I have lost my use in his club that separated me from the rest. I know he's not a man you get easy access to any day of the week and my use meant I got a free pass to see him anytime I wanted. Now I am being refiled under the ''pick her up when I feel the itch for a redhead.'' Still slow dancing with his arm around my waist, one hand holding mine, my other on his broad shoulder and this intimacy is suffocating me. Like adding salt to my many wounds. ''Now. I'm done here.'' He lets me go and takes my hand a little too firmly to ever be confused as tender and walks me to the nearest old man while he tells them we are leaving. Oldie gives me the once over with his eyes and that smarmy grin as he whispers something in Alexi's ear—it's obvious to what he's saying. Carrero just pats him on the back firmly and smiles. "She's about to find out.'' His glances my way do nothing to give me confidence, he just looks like he always does, and I sigh in complete deflation, letting out a long slow breath and try not to let my nerves show. Let the games proceed … * * * Mico drives us back to Alexi's grand house, nestled on its own little piece of land, standing back from other huge houses in the street. It's a poster child for suburban living and wealthy lifestyles and is picturesque in a glamorous way. It's already lit up with the men who stayed behind and looks almost welcoming despite my sombre mood. My future security hanging around inside greet us with the once over, checking all who enter, and he dismisses them when we get inside. Nodding at Mico and sending silent messages with nothing but slight looks, he guides me upstairs without much conversation about it and I just do as I am told. Not bothered that I am being ushered right upstairs upon our return, I'm not really a cosy lounge and watch Tv type. The car ride had been in stony silence as the atmosphere thickened, and he stayed with eyes glued to his phone amid throes of gripping texts it seems. He never looked my way once and it just heightened my anxiety for getting back here; I know that he's pissed and have no clue what is going on in that head of his, nor am I eager to find out. He's someone who holds onto his little grudges, and he does like the added suspense of making you sweat it out a little. He's deliberately giving me the silent treatment to heighten my nerves and I should just not care. But that's like trying to turn back the tide: Impossible. I see I obviously have no choice in the nuptial arrangements, in the fact he's pushing me straight to the bedroom, and I am willing myself to be firm, hold my ground and make him sleep anywhere other than with me. He is holding fast, walking in silence along the carpeted and dimly lit hall but I can tell with the way he is cajoling where I head, that his mind is made up. I am his prey for tonight. He meant it when he said sex was a must. I won't give in … I won't let him have sex with me because he has deemed it as the plan and what he wants, I must break this part of the deal and not let it happen again; show him he does not own me like he does his other bimbos and sluts. He is gaining way too much control, and sex is a weapon he is effective with. I know that he is way too persuasive when he sets his mind on seduction, and I am way too weak for him, so I need to make a stand now. Before we get to his bedroom door and I can hightail it into mine as we pass. I'll say goodnight and go to my own room. Be strong, be fierce, hate him and tell him where to go. When we get to the landing outside the room I was shown to earlier, I try to divert off to mine instead of the path to his he has me on, but he just tightens his hold on my arm and yanks me around back towards his own door. I struggle for a moment, protest in my movements, but my nerve is failing, and I really do not want to have a tug of war with my own limb. ''I'm sleeping alone, in my room, without you!'' I try for verbal bravado, but he knocks the wind out of my sail with a quick spin of my body to face him, before pushing me up hard against the wall to my right. My back hitting it with a little force that knocks me senseless, and he's right in my face, moulding to me with every part of that strong muscular form. I catch my breath, pressed chest to chest and breathing hard as he advances on me like a vampire longing for blood. ''You can say No … but you have to mean it.'' He sounds husky, sexy, overly confident and my stubbornness waivers. He's on that power trip because of my defiance over my outfit. Whether he wanted sex or not, he's pushing the point because I also denied that, and he is far too clued in on my inability to really turn him down. It's like he can read my freaking mind. ''I'm not having sex with you. That part of this relationship is done.'' I just sound feeble and curse my lack of acting when faced with him. No matter how annoyed I am with him, I can't actually hold onto it as a deterrent to getting naked with him. It's like craving chocolate even though you know it will just make your clothes too tight and you will regret it later. Stand up to him! Don't let him kiss you for God's sake. ''You don't sound so sure.'' Alexi moves in an inch closer and his nose grazes mine, his breath on my sensitive lips and I have to fight to stop myself closing my eyes and inhaling how good he smells. It's one of those infuriating things about him, he always smells too good to be true. If you could bottle the one scent that drove you wild out of your mind with longing and horniness it would be Alexi Carrero's smell. It's inhuman. ''I'm sure.'' My voice trembles, it's so low it's barely audible, body trembling like crazy with the sheer closeness of someone who makes me ache for him and I curse myself for how weak I sound. Grappling to find my previous disdain for the man. I should be much stronger than this, and I don't get how just moving close and touching me wipes all that away. Sharing air, nose to nose, body pressed perfectly to his and heart pounding through my chest. I can literally feel my underwear self-combusting with the way he has me pinned, my mouth longing to be kissed by him, and yet I mustn't give in. My breasts heaving with the effort and so very afraid that he might actually kiss me and undo all my protests. That static between us crackles in the air. ''Goodnight then.'' He smiles and begins to relax his hold on me so that I exhale in relief and start to sag a little that I haven't had to fight it, fight him. A little light-headed with the way I suddenly took in a little too much oxygen as he steps away, and even though I am rejoicing, I also feel bitterly torn and disappointed and curse myself out. ''Goodnight.'' I whisper so softly and turn to make an attempt to slide away from him, relieved I am escaping unscathed, and he seems to have forgotten he's pissed at me, but he catches me by the throat, softly cups it and pins me back to the wall so fast I gasp at the surprise of it. ''Can't end a date without a kiss.'' He smirks at me salaciously, and that's when I know I'm done for, he knows it too and this was all just meaningless teasing. Prick was playing me all along. He likes my little attempts at turning him down and I hold my breath and will myself to numb this out. Knowing I won't be able to dodge him. ''You said it wasn't a … …'' Alexi swoops in without warning and locks his mouth to mine. Silencing me and like the stupid weak fool I know I am, I kiss him back. Defeated as my body instantly heats and tingles; that same irrational impulse overtakes me as my hands find his neck and shoulders and I give as much as he is. Tongues intertwining in seconds, he pins my wrists to the wall as he devours me. My only excuse is the sex last time left me tainted and the craving I have had since needs to be fed. Once I get my fill then maybe it will stop. Alexi is the kind of kisser that blows your mind right out of the water, he knows what he's doing and kisses exactly as a seducer should. Your toes curl, you wish your clothes would literally peel off to save time and get him on top of you faster. He heats your blood to fever temperature in less than ten seconds with devilish good lip action and roaming hands, and you forget all self-respect or protests with just the feel of his mouth on yours. He doesn't give too much tongue, enough to tease, to draw yours to him and yet somehow, it's like he knows just how to make love to your mouth without breaking for a breath. I have kissed a lot of men in my lifetime but none were as enjoyable as the way he kisses. Alexi has ruined me for mere men to ever kiss again, and I hate that despite telling him no to kissing it's a boundary he chose to keep ignoring. I know that is just another power play in itself, he is all about games and putting me in my place. I get hoisted up against him, bodies pressed as he carries me into his room and deposits me on my own feet when he finally breaks free to shut the door but leaves the lights off, so we are silhouetted in the moonlight. His hands skimming me as he dives for my neck and I literally turn to hot liquid, all resistance gone and my own palms slide under his jacket to push it off as he finds the upper edges to my stocking and rips them from my suspender belt. He drags my dress up enough to feel me out and I almost buckle with how quickly he goes straight for the goal. His hands in my knickers and figuring out that I got ready and willing the second he pinned me to the wall. I groan as he probes me, mouth back on mine and he grins against my kiss. I guess I can forget my refusal, he has me back like he did the first time. Panting for him. ''So much for not wanting me to fuck you.'' He rasps breathlessly and goes back to sucking my jaw and lip while my body almost convulses with his intentions. He is equally good with his hands, and I am surprised that someone like him would ever have learned the art of giving pleasure to a woman this expertly, seeing as he's such a self-centred prick who normally takes what he wants. I have no doubt he could make me climax with what he is doing, and it's wholly unnerving. I have NEVER had a man get me off with just his hands and kissing. He truly is the devil. I cling to him as my legs turn to jelly and try like crazy to stop moaning so loudly. It's obvious I am enjoying what he's doing but I don't need to let him know that, he's smug enough without me making him cockier. My body turns to liquid heat and try as much as I can, but I know I'm lost to what he is doing and the noises coming out of me are completely involuntary. I was never really a verbal screw, but Alexi gives a whole new meaning to moaning in pleasure. Alexi lets me go and I almost fall over with the sudden release of his body against mine, gasping in longing and annoyed that he's stopped what felt so good when he spins me around and almost face palms me to the wall. I end up with palms splayed on the surface with him behind me, gasping and panting while his hands run down each side of my body and stop on my upper thighs. His touch burning my skin as he trails across it. I instantly sober from my lust drunk stupor and focus on the fact he has me this way, that tingling of uncertainty turning to fear and I make a move to try and turn around. ''I told you I hate this fucking dress.'' He grinds his boner against my arse, hoarsely talking in my ear before biting my earlobe. I yelp, not enjoying this anymore and again trying to turn to face him, heart rate elevating, stomach turning in knots with the overwhelming foreboding coursing through me. Alexi just flattens me back to the wall and rips the damn dress open from the bottom middle seam and yanks it all the way up and apart that I practically fall out of it with the sudden release. It's raw and primal and ordinarily would make me hornier than hell. Ripping and tearing expensive fabric literally right up the center, with brute force until it's completely detached, and he yanks it free and tosses it aside, still pinned to the wall in my underwear, and he's back against me, his body hard to mine as he presses one hand over my palm on the wall and the other slides around my waist. Instead ,I am just trying to breathe as I am held captive in a position that's turning me into a slow emotional wreck, still fighting his death grip to get him from behind me as my legs start to shake. It is heaven and hell all in one. To feel him wrapping himself around me and against me once more, filling a yearning emptiness that is always inside of me. My body stirring and heart soaring with his embrace, yet at the same time, there's a deep sense of terror at the back of my mind, reminding me he uses sex on me at every turn, and I should be wary. I don't like that he is behind me and my inner nerves are swirling and growing as I try like crazy not to let this fear raise its head in front of him again. Taking shallow breaths and staving off my panic attack. I won't show him the same mess he met that night in the apartment, I won't let him know how much being taken this way affects me, or he will endlessly use it. I have endured it many times before. I can and will endure it with him, before showing him that weakness once more. Grit my teeth and bare it. ''Tell me.'' He rasps and tilts my head back with a hand around my throat, pressing the back of my skull into his strong shoulder firmly, and looks at my face from his higher viewpoint. Even in half-darkness he looks formidable and sexy as hell. All strong lines and handsome features in the moonlight, he just exudes masculinity from every pore. The tormenter who seduces his prey. ''Tell you what?'' I reply breathily, putty in his hands and willing to go to hell just to feel him inside of me again. I try not to focus on my rapid breathing or shuddering heartbeat as I fight the waves of darkening fear growing in the pit of my tummy. I want to turn around, but if I do then he will know why. I don't want to enforce his power of what this can do, so I will play along and fight its effects. ''That you want this … that you want me.'' It's all about control and surrender for him and I bite on my lip, willing myself to defy him, fight him and refuse him that little consent he needs, but my voice has other ideas. ''I want you.'' It's soft and breathless and I wish I could take it back the second I say it, hating my own failings. I tremble when I hear that low deep laugh in his throat. ''Good girl.'' The sinister edge within that normally happy sound makes my insides crumble to dust. Fear upping a gear as I realise this is not what I hoped it would be. Two words, spoken in that voice that always drags me to heel. I just unleashed the devil. Alexi grabs my wrist and pulls it back behind me and holds it against my spine cruelly, so fast I barely have a moment to catch on or take a breath. The arm around my waist tightens viciously as he hauls my body back and he kicks my ankles apart in a manner befitting a prisoner in shackles. Every ounce of blood within me drains from my body, cold terror draws the last warmth from me and my face ices with the knowledge that this is what he wanted. ''Alexi, not like …'' I can't get the words out as he covers my mouth with a rough hand, clamping me quiet and taking away any ability to refuse. He pushes my head against the wall as he bends me over and thrusts inside of me in one easy swoop that sends me crashing painfully against the hard surface as I bang my shoulder and chest with a muffled yelp. Manoeuvred and held like a piece of meat for his bidding. Entered again in that spiteful way of his which is meant to hurt. Held taught, bent over and being punished in the worst way I start clawing frantically with my one free hand at the wall in a bid to get out of this position, pulling at his hand as I'm forced with the power of his thrusts into a more prominent bent over shape while being screwed. My head hits the wall as he impales me again, my arm aching with the way I'm restrained by one arm behind me and it's excruciating. There's no pleasure in what he is doing, he's punishing, humiliating and ravaging me in the worst possible way as his penetration burns my skin inside and out. All enjoyment gone as fear racks through me, memories and pain slice through my brain, being taken from behind, mouth gagged, body bound as I was abused over and over until my body bled and my legs shook with the effort of staying upright. The traumas of those nightmares that never cease to haunt me, and he's making me relive every single one. The biting pain of unwanted sex, the burn as my body tries to reject what's not wanted and the rough hard way he is using my body and treating me like a worthless vessel to screw. He saw the weapon he had, and he is using it. He turns everything into something to hurt me and this inhumane display of dominance is just another tool to put me in my place. I should have known I wouldn't bypass punishment; I should never have trusted him. I try digging my nails into his wrist to try and stop him, but he's got me held and gagged like he intended, and I can't get him off no matter how much I thrash, twist and turn. I can barely breathe or open my mouth to attempt biting, as the floods of tears hit me, through the veiled mist of panic. He's stronger, more powerful and my slight body is no match. Alexi fucks me for only seconds, until I am in the throes of emotional hysteria so great my legs give out, and I end up being held up completely by him before he stops. The point of his effort was not his sexual gratification—it was a plain and simple lesson in my defiance. A tool to hurt me for standing up to him again and it was never about sex at all. My eyes are blurry with tears and my nose pouring from the instant sodden mess I have become. My heart is destroyed, my soul torn in two and I can't see from the blind panic of being unable to get free. Pain wracking through me from the distress of what he has done. Despite trying to hide this from him, he ripped it to the surface in the same way he forced me to endure one of my biggest fears. Letting me go, gracelessly dumped, I fall in a heap on the floor sobbing and clawing desperately at my arms and legs to curl up, even though he no longer has a hold of me. He just stands and glares while he buttons up his trousers and calmly rights himself as though he's doing nothing wrong. I feel violated and dirty, destroyed in every way as dark shadows and men fly at me through the dark shadows of being caught between reality and traumatic memory. ''I warned you … don't fuck with me.'' It's low, cold and devoid of remorse. The evil in the darkness and he's no different to any of the millions of men who treated me like worthless rubbish. I am distraught, gasping, aching and shaking so violently I cannot compose myself. Unable to get off the floor or move from where I feel like a worthless rag on the floor. He didn't physically hurt me much, he didn't force anything on me, but he knew how to get to me on the worst kind of level, and as I pull my legs into myself as tightly as I can, curling up to shield my body from more abuse, I sob like a broken child. I physically cannot hate him anymore than I do right now. This was more than humiliating, it was soul-destroying. ''Why … would … you?'' I can't get the words out through gasping breaths and hazy vision, broken inside and lost in memory and fear. Places I spent years locking out, and ever since him, they have been unravelling inside of me like a spew of bad dreams, suddenly resurfacing after years of being locked in a box. ''I told you once … I am not your hero or your lover. I told you that there would be consequences if you got on the wrong side of me.'' Alexi sounds strange even for him, and I bury my face in my hands and just start to unravel completely, trying to stifle my hearty broken gasps, but I am just too far gone down that road of emotional despair. Shuddering with the effort to breathe, wiping my nose and face as it drips onto my naked chest. Hating and cursing him, yet so lost in my own misery that I don't care if he sees me broken. I don't care if it's what he wants—he has shattered me. I wrap my arms around my legs and pull myself taught and small, tucking my head down into the ball I make with my body, like I used to when I was little in a bid to keep the bad men out and find a safe little place where no one could find me. Make myself invisible, so they might leave me alone for just one day, one hour, one minute, even just one second to have no one wanting to hurt me. Almost without even realising I start humming that song I used to sing in my head, over and over to try to block it out. To self soothe and find that inner peace which stopped me from losing my mind a million times in my past, and to try to keep what they were doing out of my focus. Humming a stupid lullaby, I don't even know where I heard it but it's always there ready to center me and bring me back to a safer place in my head. Finding that little haven of unreality where my mind can detach from my body and nothing can touch me anymore. I jump when a warm touch on my arm breaks my internal bubble, crashing back to the still darkness of my prison, and I lash out ferociously. ''Don't touch me! … None of you will ever touch me again.'' I cry out, fighting shadows and cruel hands with so much pain and anguish in my voice as I fail to really grasp where I am anymore. Lashing out with one hand to slap and scratch at whoever gets near. ''Camilla?'' Alexi's voice sounds different and far away from me, alien to how he ever sounds. His dark silhouette appearing close by between the flashes and slices of other faces. I can't look at him, at the monster who takes pleasure in all the suffering of those weaker than him. The monster that uses my wounds against me in any way he can. I shift away, trying to crawl into the darkest corner of the room to hide, and curl back into a smaller space in a bid to hide from them all. If your small and your quiet, then sometimes they can't find you at all. Reverting to child and humming my stupid song like a deranged psychopath. The hand touches me again and I freak out, lash out and slap as it tries to hold me again in full fury, ready to defend myself to the death if I have to. I won't let that bastard touch me again. I won't let anyone do those things to me anymore. Those horrible, painful, inhumane, degrading things. I can't take anymore. He makes a grab at my wrist, pulling me away from the sanctuary of my corner towards him, trying to get a hold on me for God knows what. I twist free, screaming at him hysterically, losing all ounces of sanity and reacting like a caged animal backed into a wall. Finding my fierce and protecting what's left of me. ''Let me go! Let me … Go!!!'' I fight weakly, energy waning and sobbing more than fighting as my body gives up the fight from sheer exhaustion. Body getting limp, but I am trying to not stop. Alexi finally lets me go and disappears back into the shadows, silent and still once more as I regroup and pull myself tight back into my little ball in a bid to keep myself safe from him, he's my idea of hell. All of them out there, waiting for me. Poking at me and teasing me about what they are going to do. Little girl, oh I am going to enjoy having you … ''I won't do that again.'' His voice sounds strangled and low, like it's not really him at all, and I just back away until I feel the wall behind me once more and tighten myself up smaller, tighter and shield my body. Mistrusting of the softness of his tone because I know it's all a lie and just another angle, another false tender to pull me back in. Rick used to be nice sometimes ... to get me to come out. Pretend to care, pretend he was going to stop. It was always a lie. I try and block him out and jump when I hear his shoes on the floor, scraping on the hardwood making steps. Except they're leaving and not coming closer, and everything in me pauses as I listen to them departing. Stilling all of me, as I hit full alert once more and just hold very, very, still. He walks out of the room leaving me here to sob into my own legs and hate him with every ounce of feeling I have left. Torn between dreams and reality and trying to claw my way back. Honing in on the room around me and clawing back out of that sense of insanity that had me falling into a black hole of confusion moments before. He retreats, leaving me alone with my misery to ponder what I have got myself into, what I have allowed to happen to me. Alexi is not my happy ever after—he's my abuser, my enemy. He became what he is by inflicting suffering his whole life until he became immune to the effects of seeing it. I became what I am because I endured the suffering my whole life until I became numb to the effects of feeling it. Normalising what happened to me. We are what we are because of people like each other, and we exist because of one another. Both on opposite ends, yet the outcomes are always the same. Humans devoid of real feelings and empathy that cannot function like normal people. Neither of us can ever have a normal life or a normal relationship, we don't play by the healthy rules and guidelines, he just reminded me of that. Alexi wants to control me and punish me; I want him to just let me go and leave me alone now that I have been faced with a manipulator I have no skill for. I don't want what I once did where he's concerned. To use him and get what I want from him because I know now it's a completely delusional dream. I stepped into his world and realised I was a complete amateur in every way. He demoralises with so little effort and inflicts mental scars from people's own issues—that's a master. That's someone who is well versed in his craft, and I am not willing or able to live alongside it anymore. He is destroying what's left of my mental state and it affects him in no way at all. I have no coping mechanism for someone who uncovers my darkest fears and uses them against me. As soon as Alexi leaves the Hamptons, I'm going to start devising a plan to run. I did it once before, scraping together what money I could and changing my fate. Knowing when to get out has saved my life so many times. I found the courage and I ran from Rick, he owned me too; he had done since I was eleven years old. He made all my nightmares seem like fairy tales in comparison and then some, yet I managed to outrun him and disappear into the world. I could do it again, run further this time. Alexi has way more reach, but I'm sure I could find a way, escape and just blend into some other world if I try hard enough. Lose the red hair, lose the accent and lose my name, taking the skills I have and get out of the grasp of Alexi Carrero in any way I can. If I stay this will only escalate, and he will destroy every last piece of me. I don't want to live in fear for the rest of my life or have an inhumane devil destroy the little tiny parts of me that I managed to salvage through the years of hell I already lived through. I deserve to find some sort of refuge, somewhere in the world. I'm not so worthless that I shouldn't have at least a respite from always being hurt.