Chapter 12 : Broken

Blood roared in my ears. My jaw clamped down on my tongue so hard I could taste blood. My chest pounded harder and harder with every step as I climbed the stairs. The elevator was out, like usual. My bag felt heavy, smacking against my side. My hair whipped behind me, a brewing storm raging in the sky above, but even the thunder seemed to pale in comparison to how I felt inside. Everything I had worked so hard for, disintegrating. Destroyed. Like nothing I did ever mattered. It was all temperamental. Nothing was forever. Except for time. You could never get time back. The time I wasted trying to figure out what I did wrong. How to fix what was never broken to begin with, just a shitty relationship. When I made it up to my apartment, the door was open, Nova signing something on the mover's tablet. "You got the new address?" she asked, handing the tablet back. She hadn't seen me yet, dripping and soaked to the bone. "All set, ma'am. We'll head there right away," the man said, turning to leave. When he saw me, his eyes widened. But not even the audience dampened the rage inside of me. The rage I had held onto so long, slamming repeatedly against the dam. A typhoon threatening to spill over. It came like waves and waves. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't focus on the man, all I could see was Nova. A pleased smile on her lips. I was nothing but a pebble in her shoe. A mild inconvenience. Something she used until I stopped being useful. Stopped fanning her ego. I flashbacked to when I stood up for myself for the first time, and how much she hated it. Smothering even a hint of who I wanted to be. Crushing my confidence like a bug. How easily I let her. What good did that do for me? I let her walk all over me like her own personal doormat. Not anymore. My fingertips twitched, the boiling sea of fury flooding my belly. Simmering up my throat. I could still taste the blood in my mouth, but it wasn't enough. Nova gave me a once over, an amused gleam in her eye like she had been waiting for this moment. The last chance to stomp me into the dirt before absolving herself of me. Like I was a burden she was finally ridding herself off. "Let me handle this. My boyfriend's at the new place," Nova said and the man left, closing the door behind him. Boyfriend. Someone else who tormented me just for the fun of it. Laugh at how the broken girl would bend over backwards for them. Do anything for them. I just wanted to feel accepted. Supported. But they never cared about any of it. Never cared about me. I looked around, seeing an empty apartment. The window overlooking the parking lot was open, the roar of rain nearly deafening. "I closed our lease. Thought I'd save you the trouble of having to get all your stuff out," she explained, shrugging her shoulders like she had done me a favor. I blinked. "Closed our lease? Our contract isn't over for another four months." She rolled her eyes. The obvious negligence for me flared in my belly. "I couldn't live like this anymore. The toxic environment. Always holding everything over my head." "Toxic? Do you want to talk toxic? Look in the fucking mirror," I spat. Nova veered back. "No need to be nasty." I wanted to scream. "All of my stuff is outside. Destroyed!" I fisted my hair, barely holding on. I took a deep breath. But I didn't think I could push it down anymore. "Give me my money. It was for rent. I want it back." "I don't have it. I paid out of the lease and used it for a down payment on my new apartment with Deacon." My jaw ticked and Nova added on, "What? You told me you'd handle rent." "Our rent. Not yours and my ex-boyfriend. What the fuck is wrong with you?" Volatile anger sputtered up from inside of me as I yelled. "Whatever. What's done is done. At least this way you don't have to pay the complex's cleaning fee. You should be thanking me." My breathing got heavier and I couldn't stop myself from taking several steps toward Nova, trembling violently. She rolled her eyes again, as if I wasn't worth her time. She sidestepped me, pushing some frayed blonde hair behind her ears. Something silver dangling and twinkling in the light. My mother's earrings. My hand shot out to Nova's shoulder, forcefully turning her around. She shoved away from me. "Don't touch me!" "Earrings." The word came out as a growl. Nova reached up to the pretty silver earrings. "Oh. Yeah. I figured these would be a nice housewarming present from my best friend." My chest rose and fell rapidly. Using our relationship against me. Expecting me to fold. "We were never friends, Nova…" I murmured, the realization of it all crashing down on me. Her eyebrows came together in mock hurt. Playing a game with me. I was only her plaything. Something to shove into the dirt to make herself feel better. "Well, we aren't now." "Give me the fucking earrings," I snarled, holding my hand out. Trying to keep it together before I lost it. Nova laughed, "They look better on me, anyways." I broke. The dam holding me back crumbled into nothing. A flaming sea cascading over every inch of me. I screamed, fury flooding my system. Adrenaline firing on every cylinder. My vision narrowed and all I could see was Nova. And the open window behind her. With both hands, I mustered all my strength. The monster inside of me bellowed, taking over and I shoved Nova backwards. She stumbled, her eyes flared wide as she fell. Down. Down. Down. Becoming a crimson pool on the pavement. Blood pooling behind where her head struck. Completely still. Screams echoed from the ground. People running to Nova, crumpled and broken. Now who was broken? A sick sensation of pleasure took over, a smirk pulling at the corner of my mouth. My eyes devoured the visual of her blood. Cathartic satisfaction. I didn't care about the consequences. I tilted my head to the side, mesmerized by it. The darkness inside of me loved it. The power buzzing around my head. The power to take and take. And I would take. I stood there, not caring. Only letting the enjoyment wash over me, sizzling my veins with decadent violence. My first thought wasn't regret. I didn't regret Nova bleeding out on the sidewalk. Not until I saw someone look up at me, shattering the illusion. Realization washed over me. I brought my hands up to look at them. Trembling. What did I do? What did I do? Oh my god. What did I do? Pedestrians and witnesses looked up at where Nova fell, seeing me standing there. Shellshocked. I could see them pull out their phone. Dialing the police. Then I ran, echoes in my head of how I just killed someone. Down the stairs. Out the back entrance. My legs pumped and pushed me further and further away. The sun set, plummeting me into darkness. I didn't know where I was going. The rain obscured my vision. The skies were open. Saturating me forcefully. Each drop felt like a strike on my back. My face. My heart pounded, legs aching the harder I ran. I didn't realize I was running toward the ocean until my feet hit the sand. Drenched waterlogged shoes, thick with it. I slipped, wet sand sticking to my palms. My bag skidded into the sediment, sand clinging to the cheap, fake leather. Everything was heavy. I felt so cold, even if my skin was hot to the touch. I crumbled, sobs retching from my chest. Squeezing so hard I couldn't breathe. Something was sitting on me. Weighing me down so I could barely hold myself up with my hands. I leaned back onto my knees, anguish ripping through me as I wailed. Barely audible over the thunder. Spots danced in my eyes and I really thought I would die here. Shaking my head, falling limp as I stared up into the sky. I screamed again, my throat feeling hoarse. When I fell limp, forehead pressed down into the sand, I saw the book peeking from my bag. Getting destroyed like everything else in my life. Beckoning me. A helpless cry broke past my lips. I needed him. I needed him. With every fiber of my soul…I needed Orion. But that wasn't his name. I grabbed the book, rising to my feet and getting to the marked pages. Rain blurred the ink on the paper. I read the incantation out loud, praying to him. Begging that he'd hear me. Please hear me. Liberate me. Save me. Lightning struck the sand beside me, all my hairs standing up on end. But I didn't let it scare me. I continued to shout Latin. Desperation tore me apart inside. Broken beyond repair. I needed something that made sense to me. And despite everything, he was the only thing that made sense. I screamed into the sky, hoping he'd hear me. The pages began to dissolve in my hands, becoming a watery slop slipping through my fingers. I didn't need it anymore. Lightning struck the ocean, cutting through the haze around me. It was a warning. And I could practically hear his voice telling me to stop. He'd tell me I didn't know what I was doing. That I didn't want him. But I did. I needed him with a desire that scared me. I couldn't think about anything else. He was in my head. It didn't matter if I wanted him to leave, he was there. Imprinted within me. Nothing I could ever do would get him out. He was everything. But in his eyes, I was nothing but a grain of sand. Meaningless. Not worth cognitive thought. I wanted him to need me as badly as I needed him. I needed him to destroy me. Piece me back together to break me again. Forge me into something new. I bellowed, sinking down to my knees and screaming. "Please! Please! I need you, Asmodeus!" The pain warped inside of me. So potent I couldn't see through it. It thickened in my bones, a slash across my face. A sharp stab in the ribs. I shut my eyes. Water washing over me didn't feel cold anymore. A flash of lightning. The storm raged, but I couldn't feel him any closer. I could feel those honey eyes watching me. Waiting. My throat was raw and with the remaining voice I had left, I didn't shout his demon name, I shouted what they called him when he was an angel. "Asmoday! Please! I need you." A final crack of lightning. Thunder booming and shaking the ground around me. Then, the thunder stopped, the rain slowing. Two familiar hands cupped my shoulders, pulling me to my feet. My eyes fluttered open, warmth spreading from my core into my heart. He was just as beautiful as I remembered, even in his mortal skin. He glared down at me, holding me still as rain pattered over his suit jacket, messing his hair. His silk shirt clung to his arms, muscles bulging under the wet cloth. Seeing him felt like a breath of fresh air, the heaviness in my chest lifting. His rough touch soothed me beyond reproach. My eyes fell to his pink lips, his scars absent. There was a tick in his jaw, fire in his eyes. He was furious with me. But I couldn't find it in me to be frightened. I was too happy to see him. Tears ran down my cheeks, my lips curling into a helpless smile. "I told you to leave it. I told you to stop prying, you stupid, little human," he snarled, not seeming to notice how my quaking body didn't feel so cold anymore. How my soul felt light as the air around me. I could feel his breath against my lips as I murmured, "You came."