Chapter 16

I stare at the unfamiliar sports cars in the drive, one dark slate or black, and one a sort of dark navy, even in this darkness I can see they are not the same colour, although they are the same model. One is parked like it's been abandoned; half on the grass at an angle and something deep down is telling me this means something. Mico has a four by four, it's not here and neither is the other car some of his other goons use. Just two new sports cars, identical except in colour and my head keeps racing back and forth to two twins who are identical in every way—except with different coloured eyes. Grey and blue. Fuck! I take a deep breath, count to ten and realise it will never be enough. I will never be ready to walk in that door if he's here. Crapping myself mercilessly and having to dig deep for an ounce of courage I have inside of me. I can't even think up a plausible lie as there is nothing to explain my missing person for the last few hours. I literally legged it from Mico. Mico must have told him, he must have come and that has to be his car. It's way too expensive a sports car to be generally used by his suits, and I imagine being twins means the same taste in cars is plausible. He did say Gino was close by and I brace myself for the inevitable. Be smart, think about this; he won't physically hit me or beat me. He might try to use sex again, but I won't let him. Not after the last time. I physically do not want him to touch me ever again and I think he has killed the power of seduction he had over me now, so it takes that out the window too. Tying me up? I have endured worse, and if that's the route he chooses then I'll numb myself out and make myself zone into another place like I used to. I have the skills to survive so much more than Alexi Carrero. I have and will survive anything he can throw at me. I just have to have some self-belief and stop thinking my recent couple of years respite from this life has made me soft. I endured hell and have the internal scars to prove it. I can survive anything if I set my mind to it. I just need to find my courage and stop letting my fear of him drown it out. I need to stop goading him and fighting him, try to keep my head down and behave. Become a ''Yes sir'' woman like he wants. Stop giving him reason to do this to me. I jump when a car drives by in the street and realise standing out here is pointless, I need to just bite the bullet and go in before this gets any worse, and before one of his people in the house see me out here, standing like a terrified freak and contemplating the end of my life. I take one last breath, eye up the abandoned black car that looks like Alexi parking in a rage, chewing his own lawn up and giving no shits about it. Seems like something he would do. I take the steps up to the huge front door while my body aches to run in the opposite direction, swallowing down the lump of tightness in my throat and straining to breathe through a heavy chest. I am on the verge of an all-out panic attack. Faced with two huge wooden doors that are normally kept locked, they are all that stands between me and certain torture, except I didn't bring a key and I figure I should try the handle before I knock. Hand trembling visibly and I tense myself in a bid to make myself reach out and grab the cold metal knob. It's not locked and that just feels more like a sign that he is probably here. Shit! I open it and push it slowly to slide inside, blinking at the bright lights of the hall and dredging up courage from somewhere down in my toes to do this. White marble and cream walls blinding me after the darkness of outside as my eyes adjust to the modern interior. I don't get very far into the hall when a voice makes me jump ten feet in the air. My heart flips over, and that voice alone can make cold fear sweep my body in a nanosecond. ''Where the fuck were you?'' Alexi shouts in a rage and a real one. Not that cold scary tone, but a very verbal angry tone, such as I have never heard. It's the worst sound ever, his growling, accusatory and fury ridden voice makes me melt into a puddle of shaking jelly. Visibly recoiling into myself. I turn to the direction of the voice, seeing him coming at me from the other room and I just freeze. My eyes wide and misting up. He's walking towards me at speed with a killer look in his eye that makes me doubt whether he would physically hit me, as Gino intervenes by walking in front of him and stops him with a palm on his chest. He murmurs something to him, two bookends in white shirts and black trousers and even though a set of cold grey eyes under a furrowed brow are giving me the death glare, he stays put, listening to his brother and just growls at me instead. That look could melt steel. He's like an animal waiting to be unleashed and I'm the Sunday roast. His brother restraining him in a way, and even from here I can see the energy of rage bubbling under the surface and how badly he wants to beat me to within an inch of my life. I am rooted to the spot, paralysed and I literally start to tremble; that look never breaking, and he doesn't blink once. I can almost feel myself getting faint as my body gives way a little. Gino is talking at him, getting minimal response, but it's holding the beast at bay. Gino looks at me over his shoulder and I can see the tension, the air of concern that he knows he's only just marginally keeping Alexi under control and has doubts as to whether he can keep it up. He looks genuinely concerned, and it just fuels the wave of nausea which overpowers me. ''Go upstairs, Camilla … Now!'' Gino snaps and I can almost see Alexi's muscles bulging and tensing with growing anger, hating me and barely keeping himself under control as I turn and hightail it upstairs. I get to the upper balcony and halt when I hear his tone and it makes my blood curdle. ''I'm going to fucking kill her. No one runs from me.'' Alexi sounds insane and it just adds new levels of terror to what I already feel. I sink down, my body suddenly weak, and I'm unable to keep moving on my legs that have given up the game, clinging to the bannister in a bid to ground myself. ''Be smart … think about this and calm the fuck down.'' Gino, I presume, as he sounds exactly the same, only not angry just indulgent and calmer. He sounds like someone who knows how to pacify the devil or at least try to. ''Calm down? She had the nerve to run Gino, which part of that don't you get? How this looks and what that means.'' Alexi sounds volcanic and I have never seen or heard him lose his cool quite like this. This terrifies me more than that danger tone of his. This one is purely emotional and unbridled anger. ''Why did she run Alexi, huh? Because you are making her terrified. She's obviously afraid of you and whatever you did to make her run. You're only going to make it happen again if you go up there like this.'' Listen to your brother, he talks sense. I couldn't be any more afraid of him than I have become and this only fuels that fire. Gino has a very good point. I ran because of Alexi. ''I'll chain her to the fucking house.'' He growls in response, and I curl up tightly on the landing and try not to cry. Sliding my arms around my legs and rocking myself to try and stay calm while listening intently. I want to know my fate rather than sit and wait in my room for it to come to me, and judging by his tone and responses, I don't have much of a future left. ''I brought her here to keep her safe and this is how she repays me!'' I can make out footsteps pacing around, and I can almost imagine him like a caged animal, crazily walking the room to simmer that temper and keep his shit together. Although he's right, he did bring me here to keep me safe, yet the only person who is an actual danger to me is Alexi. ''She came back, didn't she? She came to face you knowing what was waiting for her. You got to give it to her Alexi, she's got balls. For all that sweet face and vulnerable look, she's a gutsy one and obviously under your skin if this is anything to go by.'' Gino sounds less intimidating than Alexi, a kinder tone to his voice but I still don't trust him, he's definitely one to watch. Devious should be the Carrero middle name. ''You don't know her like I do, it's all an act. She's a born manipulator and a whore.'' It cuts more than it should, I don't know why but it does. It's not just that he thinks everything I do or say is gameplay, but the fact he's calling me that when he doesn't even know what I was. That word has always been a huge trigger for me; I hate it and what it represents, what it means to be called that. I abhor it with every fibre of my being, and I start to silently well up with as much anger as fear over his use of something I despise. What would he call me if he knew all the tiny dirty details of my past? Tears break loose and pour down my cheeks, my heart aching even though it's for a dumb reason. I hate him, I never want him to touch me ever again, yet it wounds me to hear him call me that. I didn't choose that path, I had to live with the hand I was dealt and survive while doing it. He has no idea what kind of strength and grit that takes. I was only a child, alone in a cruel world and instead of crumbling, just like so many kids who walked the same path, I thrived. Clawed some sort of existence, battled through hell and pain to come out the other side. He has no idea what sort of depravity and shit I have endured. ''You used to trust people you know? You used to see the good in people and give them a chance.'' Gino sounds saddened suddenly, and my ears perk up, stifling my sobs. Interest peeking through my anguish and any hints at more about Alexi is like a drug—I need to know more about him. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to him. No matter what he does, I have an affliction when it comes to him. ''Don't start this bullshit again. I know this shit is why you keep trying to use her to get me to snap. I'm wise to your attempts at it, Gino.'' Alexi sounds mad again, his moods all over the place, and yet I can't stop eavesdropping. ''Is it wrong to want my brother back?'' ''I never went anywhere. It's all in your head. I am still your brother! I still come home for every family event like a good little kid and play the adoring Carrero, as expected. What more do you want from me?'' Alexi is reverting to a cold tone and closing out emotion. I guess this is a subject he doesn't like, and I strain to listen through the railing some more, pushing my fear aside to just get snippets of the man. Leaning forward and straining as they move into the room and voices drop so it's harder to hear. ''The thirteen-year-old who was like me. Before that day, before this life, the kid who used to do normal shit and behave like a normal human being sometimes. He would never have treated a girl like this. He's still in there somewhere, still lurking in the darkest shadows and I hate what stepping up in dad's shoes has done to you.'' Thirteen? Why is he being so age-specific? ''Gino, go home, this conversation is old and boring.'' Alexi sounds icy and controlled. Gino's heading into dangerous territory and should leave Alexi alone, even I can tell from up here without even laying eyes on him. ''You think I don't see that's where it all went wrong. You didn't need to follow in dad's footsteps to forgive yourself for it. It affected all of us, and it was okay to not be okay.'' Gino sounds emotional, his voice breaking, and I hold my breath, urging him to be more specific. It's too vague and I need details, craving information. Straining like crazy to hear and forget my own self-pity for a moment. ''I'm not doing this. This isn't a mask or a front—this is who I am. I don't pretend to be a cold bastard and not care … I AM a cold bastard who doesn't care.'' I can vouch for that. ''You care about your family, the ones who are blood, and if you can care about them then you can still care. You can care about her. It won't bring your kingdom crumbling down.'' ''What do you need Gino huh? You need me to tell you that it's okay and you can stop feeling guilty? Well you can. I shot him, not you. I pulled the trigger and killed him at pointblank range to protect both of you. She put a gun in my hand and I did what I needed to do to make sure all three of us got out of that car alive, it's not on you how I became or what life I chose thereafter, and it's not on you to feel guilty for it because I sure as hell don't.'' Alexi sounds less manic and more controlled as he gets a grip on his own emotions and calms down. My head is racing with possibilities. From the mention of his mother, I know it has something to do with the situation with Santagato and I wonder if someone came after his mother when they were just young boys. Alexi shot their attacker, and from what it sounds like it changed his life for the worse. Oh Alexi, I wish I had known you before that. If you were thirteen, I would have been nine … Two children not yet fully touched by what was coming for them, and I wonder who we would have become had our lives taken another path. ''We were kids. Mom should have pulled the trigger herself to protect us, not you.'' Gino sounds broken, like this still affects him deeply and there's a hint of something more when he mentions her, betrayal or blame maybe. He clearly holds his mother responsible for Alexi. ''Don't do that, she wasn't part of that life, and she didn't have it in her to shoot anyone, she still couldn't—so leave her out of this.'' Alexi is warning him; and a hint that he loves his mother comes through, proof that he's capable of loving his family properly. I find that hard to digest, and also saddened that he can feel for people yet still can't for me. Gino mentioning the kingdom crumbling though? He thinks that kind of love will make him weak? Somehow affect who he is and how he does his job? It makes no sense to me. ''Still protecting her Lex, even after all this time? She failed you and turned you into this monster. You changed. Instead of dealing with the fallout, she pushed you towards dad and hushed you up about what you did, so she didn't have to admit it happened.'' Gino sounds ready to cry and I cry instead, aching for a little boy who shot someone to protect his family and then got shunned for doing it. His mother saw the killer in him, and instead of being grateful, she made him feel ashamed for protecting those he loved. His own mother showed him women cannot love the monster he is. That women are not to be trusted in terms of letting them close. I hate that he's made me feel compassion but how could I not. He was a child, he was too young to be made to kill, just like I was too young to be raped and thrown into a world of sex and abuse. ''Fuck you, Gino, go home and stop trying to find what isn't there. This is me … This is who I am and who I was always meant to be. Dad just helped me find my way. Now, if you don't mind, I have a girl upstairs who needs to be reminded of who exactly I am and what happens when you fuck with me.'' That icy tone of control is back in place, and I recoil in fear at that, pulling back from the bannister and I get to my feet to crouch instead, ready to run, but I don't want to leave just yet. I want to hear all of this. Clinging onto the last words in case I miss a morsel of insight. ''Leave her alone Alexi, I'm warning you. Don't cross that line, not with her. She means something, even I can tell that, and I don't believe she's lying when she looks at you. I think she's in love with you.'' How he could even know that is beyond me. I have tried so hard to just be indifferent when he's around me. Alexi laughs; a blood-curdling nasty laugh that makes every part of me wither inside, dying with every moment. ''You have no clue … Camilla, not even sure that's her name, is a born liar. You can't trust a single thing she does or says. She looks for a reaction and she pushes my buttons to test the boundaries. Don't think for a second she hasn't got her eye on a bigger prize and is just biding her time to take off with the next billionaire who gives her an out. That this wasn't planned for whatever reason and whatever game she has in her head. She tried to seduce me within seconds of meeting me, Gino! Hardly a withering wall flower of vulnerable when she's giving me the come on to fuck her for her own ends. She throws tears and vulnerable around like a pro, you are way too soft to realise when a woman is a born player and I won't fall for that shit.'' Alexi, you have no clue, and here I thought reading people and scenarios was your gift. Seems you are blinded by hatred when it comes to me. Blinded by this idea that women are incapable of real deep feeling. Why wouldn't you doubt that? Your own mother taught you it was true. ''Alexi … don't destroy what could be, you're wrong.'' Gino warns pleadingly. ''I have no place in me for love, especially not with someone like her. I wouldn't trust her with anything, let alone my heart. I sacrificed everything to become head of the family and I won't give it up for any woman.'' It stings, breaks me, and even though I hate everything about him and what he does to me, it causes a pain so deep it feels like I can't breathe. I slump back down onto my arse and stifle another sob while breaking in two inside. ''What are you going to do to her? Don't hurt her … You know as well as I do it goes against everything we were raised as.'' Gino sounds wary, and I am crying silently and praying Alexi listens to him. I am dreading the moment he comes up here and cannot imagine what depths of harm he will think up this time. He is sadistic as hell and can turn seemingly harmless acts into soul-destroying torture. ''I don't hit women; I know the code and I follow the rules. It's been ingrained since we were born.'' ''You don't need to hit a woman to torture her … I know you, and you will do exactly that in your own way.'' Gino obviously knows him well enough. ''Why are you standing in front of her? What is she to you exactly, and why the hell do you care so much?'' Alexi sounds dangerous, that hint of possession peeking through and I hold my breath and wait. Knowing that this is as close to jealous as he gets. That control and ownership are the same to him, and his rage over his toys is like that of a jealous lover. ''I think she's a girl whose been dealt a shitty life and tries to hide how badly she's suffering. I think she's a girl who needs someone like you to protect her, not to turn on her. She needs safety, not fear. She has a tough outer shell and walls because men have taught her to fear everyone, Lex … She's alone. You could be the one that makes a difference if you just learn to trust her.'' Gino … … I have no words. ''Alessandra has made you soft Gino. You watch too many romance movies with her and she has you thinking like a woman. Go home and let me deal with my business, my way … my woman, my problem.'' There's a scuffing noise and I get up, poised to run to my room in anticipation like a scared animal, ready to jump, and yet I halt with another voice. ''He's right Alexi … She ran because she's scared. If you punish her for this she will run again, further and faster. I doubt she will come back of her own free will next time.'' I recognise Mico's voice and blanch. He has never seemed to like me or pay attention to me, and apart from being Alexi's cousin, he doesn't know me at all. I don't get why they are intervening unless they know exactly what Alexi is going to do to me, and they are protecting him from going too far. This thought makes me pale and I can't take it anymore. I get back up from my position on the landing looking over the staircase and silently tip toe to my room, pulling off my bag and quietly shut the door. Pacing to the bed and wander in a circle trying to figure out what to do. My heart racing, my blood pumping fast, my palms are clammy and sweaty with sheer nerves. I seriously contemplate climbing out the window and making a second attempt to run for it. I know he's coming, no matter what they say or do to try and stop him. He won't let this lie, won't let this go. Alexi can't afford to not make an example of me; if this got out and he's been lax, then it sends a message to everyone. His position is everything to him. He just made that painfully clear. I am petrified, sitting on the edge of the bed and I kick my shoes off to pull my feet up and curl up tight to make myself small. I always felt more able to cope when I sat this way, somehow soothing myself. Running again is futile. I will just enrage the beast to inflict even worse damage when he caught me, and I know damn well he would. I jump when I hear noise in the hall and impulsively leap off the bed and head for the far wall to get as far from him as possible; tensing, my ears fully zoned in on the outer noises and everything in me goes to full alert. My door bursts open with vengeance and I swear I shit a brick and then some as an anger fuelled Carrero storms into my room and does a full head swipe to see where I am. He looks murderous, extremely hostile and from here I can see every muscle in his body brimming and bulging with the tension he's holding himself with. I back up against the wall until I feel it right behind my back, barely able to breathe but trying to hold my shit together as he stalks towards me and closes the gap between us. I have nowhere to hide and the death ray penetration of that grey glare plasters me to the wall, so I stop moving or breathing and start praying instead. ''I'm sorry.'' It comes out fast and feeble as he gets to me and I almost choke, jumping in alarm when he slams both palms at the wall on either side of my head, the loud thud making my heart jump out of my chest. His face fierce and eyes almost black with the depth of dark in them that makes him even more terrifying. He leans in almost nose to nose and tenses his jaw so tightly it squares off completely. ''I should beat the shit out of you.'' He snarls at me, his voice filled with venom and tears prick my eyes, my body shaking so badly I can feel my teeth chattering. I am trying so hard to keep my emotions under wraps but I can feel my face breaking, tears welling as I start to fall apart. ''I won't do it again.'' My voice is trembling, quiet and completely hoarse. ''You won't get the chance. You're coming back with me and if you step out of line even once, I swear I will end you.'' Alexi isn't playing around, and as a tear rolls down my cheek. I can tell that he means every word. I have no idea what he will do to me for this and I just wish it was over already. ''I thought you wanted me out of the city?'' I blurt out, hoping that if I keep him talking then this won't go beyond being growled at aggressively. ''I've taken care of it! I swear I should turn you over and remind you who is fucking boss in this relationship.'' I shrink back and slide down the wall a little as my body gives out on me, waning with full body fear. I shake my head, almost begging him not to do that to me again as he just stares pensively for a long moment before carrying on. ''You can come back … Blend in as just another no one. If you don't want me to punish you, then don't give me reason to do so. You get one pass and NEVER again. Keep your head down and stay out of my way.'' He still looks deranged but my head's swimming with his laxness, his verbal clarity that he isn't going to do anything to me and this new information. I need to know where I am going to end up. ''How? I mean … Okay.'' I have no words. Part of me relieved he isn't escalating this but a part of me knows that means nothing as he's a guy who can simmer on rage until he thinks up the perfect revenge, and it just means he could be delaying it for something epic. I feel faint, ready to completely keel over, with shallow breaths and a swimming head and I just blink up at him in wideeyed terror. ''Santagato thinks I'm just possessive of all my toys now that I have more than one in the club … You won't be something he wants anymore.'' That makes me blink, frowning instead of fear as I try to decipher what he means. ''What? What do you mean you have more than one?'' My heart flips over with that unfamiliar pang of pain and I forget my fear when faced with it. A new emotion stepping to the plate and it's like it makes me forget why I should be cowering before him. My tears drying up when my brain moves to question instead, and the smirk I see tugging at his face tells me I am not going to like the answer. ''I replaced you. Well, added to you, so when you come back, Joanne … My new girl is your co-hostess. Santagato is taken with her and as I rebuffed him on her too, he thinks I'm just a possessive fuck. You're not in his sights anymore, especially with your absence and my screwing Joanne a little publicly in the VIP lounge. It means he just thinks I don't share my girls at all.'' Alexi seems completely deadpan now with a tiny smug look in his eye as I completely churn around inside, my heart wrenching. I literally feel sick as tears sting, but I blink them away and swallow them all down hard. Hating him more, wounded with the thought that he has slept with someone since he touched me. I know it's stupid, and he's been screwing women all along, but I don't know, I thought maybe I was under his skin enough that it had to count for something. I don't want anyone else, not since him and I hate the fact he's touched someone else even though he's not mine. I didn't think he could inflict more pain on me, and yet he proves me wrong all over again. I want him to go away from me, not touch me or even attempt it. He's dirty and tarred with the touch of another skank, and he can go fuck himself for all I care. ''Is she going to cohabit in the apartment too, like a cosy little threesome?'' I snap at him, finding my fire now I'm fuelled on jealous heartbreak, and Alexi looks taken aback by my change in demeanour, my sass prickling out to face the shithead completely head on, and I clench my teeth with added venom. He just smirks at me with sardonic amusement. ''Now there's a thought, but no … She's currently sharing my bed for now and she's got her own place to stay. Something you should think about looking for.'' Now that is something that makes me give him a ''what the fuck'' look of utter shock. I physically blanch and cannot conceal the questioning gawp at the man who refused to let me leave and is now turning me out. ''Now I can move out? Now you have some other tramp tending to your sadistic needs.'' I shove him back, getting back to my feet, anger brimming and being stupidly reckless, but my rage is burning through me at a rate of knots and I want to stab him with something, anything sharp I can find. He knows how to fuck with my head and my heart, and I literally despise him at this moment. ''She's a much better fuck than you ever were, and she happens to like getting banged from behind, while being cuffed to my bed.'' He scowls through an evil smile. Wrenching my heart through my chest and stomping all over it so much that I reach out and I slap him hard across the face without thought. It literally feels like the world just stops turning as the realisation of what I just did reverbs through me and my stinging hand drops to my side. I just stop breathing and curse myself inwardly for this impulsive idiotic reaction to this man. If my first slap that night in his apartment felt momentous then this just topped that in fury, strength and skill, as a darkening red hand appears on Alexi's face and I just pale completely. So much for keeping my head down and becoming a ''Yes sir.'' What the hell Camilla? It just feels like everything falls silent around us, and he breaks into the cruellest smile I have ever seen. ''Classy. I told you once that you should keep your hands to yourself. I may not hit you but doesn't mean I won't let someone else teach you a little respect.'' Alexi sounds devilish. If you looked up evil in the dictionary there would be a picture of him next to the word instead of a description. I don't react as I'm in two minds about whether he would let someone else hurt me in ways he refuses too, and seriously do not know the answer to that. When it comes to him, I have no idea. He thinks he can keep hurting me, but I give up caring anymore. It's all too much, too big and too consuming and I can't keep doing this. I can't fear everything about him forever. He's going to do what he's going to do regardless. I can't just back down and take it like all the other women he fucks, it's not in me to put my head down and just take it anymore. I took it all for the years that I was a prisoner, and I won't go back to that for anyone, not even him. I won't allow another monster to keep me shackled and obedient while putting me through the depths of hell and torment. I will go down fighting all the way. ''Do your worst, I don't care about anything you do to me anymore, bring it on and see if I give a shit.'' I stand my ground, faced with evidence of my slap on his cheek, and yet he seems completely oblivious. It must have hurt like hell as my hand feels like it's swelling to double the size and burning in excruciating pain. Alexi stands a little taller, pushing off from the wall to tower over me in all his glory. His eyes locked on me in a silent battle and that face of his returning to unreadable. It's like a stand-off and I can almost imagine the line in the dust between us. ''You haven't even begun to see my worst, London.'' I just glare right back at him, trembling on my bare feet but refusing to back down and show it this time. I hate that I don't even doubt that statement.