Chapter 18

I was terrified, and I desperately wanted to check on Jas in the male comfort room. What if something bad occurred to him? I pray he's okay; I can't bear putting his life in jeopardy again because of me. I couldn't help myself and went to the male restroom, but when I went to open the door, there was a man exiting. I knelt down and noticed he was wearing sandals, and I remembered Jas sandals and quickly glanced at him. He was suddenly the man in front of me, so I took a two-meter step back. I don't want to hear him chastise me for being naughty and not doing what he wanted. I was following him because I was concerned about his condition. I didn't mean that I didn't listen to what he had to say. As we stood two meters apart and faced each other, I examined his figure to see if he was in wellbeing. I was intrigued as his hair was wet and he appeared to have taken a bath. Could it be possible that he had a bath and then went out for too long? Why would he bathe at a shopping mall? "Are you all right?" I asked, keeping our distance. His hand was in the pocket of his shorts as he stood. He has no expression on his face and is unable to look at me. I won't be surprised if he leaves and turns his back on me right now, and if that happens, I'm not going to let him out of my sight until he gets back home. Despite the fact that this is our situation, I want to be certain that he is safe when he goes back home. I'm perplexed, and I'm not sure how he feels about me. I'm not sure if he's mad, but I believe he is. He didn't respond to my query, which made me feel even more dejected. Is it all up to here? I didn't anticipate him to enter my life, and I certainly didn't expect him to be with me for such a short period of time. I want to ask him what I did wrong and see if there's anything I can do to correct it, but I don't want him to think I'm desperate for his time and attention. "I'm not okay," he sighed, "but don't believe me, El. I'm sorry for my action; I didn't mean it. I didn't want to do it, but I had no choice. I hope you understand, El. I'm sorry. You can leave me now; you can go home. Thank you for this day." I'd like to express my understanding of his situation. I'd like to say that I forgive him for mistreating me and hurting my feelings, but he's already told me that I'm free to leave. He wished for me to depart. He didn't seek for my forgiveness; instead, he ordered that I leave. "Will you still force me to leave if I choose to accompany you?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't agree. "It's okay for me to accompany you even if there is a distance to follow," I said. I just want to make sure he gets home safely. "Go home, El. Don't torture me any longer," he replied, as if driving me away was a piece of cake. Perhaps I was being too naive. I had forgotten about myself because of my obsession with him. It saddens me so much, especially because I have no idea why all of this is occurring. Why can't I find out what is going on? Perhaps if I knew, the heaviness I was experiencing might lessen. I lied when I said, "Can I find out why this is happening, Jas? Answer my question and I'll leave." I'll never leave him, and I'll keep a close eye on him. Even if he treats me badly, I will never be upset with him. I'm more furious with myself because if I hadn't done anything wrong, he wouldn't be mad with me. "You're torturing me, El," he said seriously. "Hopefully you can understand me. I'm not mad at you; I'm just not okay. Now, leave." What kind of torture am I inflicting on him? I don"t know how I torture him. What kind of torment am I putting him to? My heart is splitting into a thousand pieces, and I'm torturing him without even realizing it. How could I have avoided torturing him if I didn't know what I'd done? I'm clinging to the fact that he's not upset with me right now. I can talk to him and be with him again the next day if he is not mad with me. There's a chance that everything will be alright, and that his treatment of me will resume. "I understand, Jas, but promise me that you will talk to me when everything is fine; I will not force you to clarify everything right now, but please tell me when you are fine; tell me what is causing you difficulty so that I can avoid it. Thank you for today; it isn't the last, is it? Isn't there more to come?" I inquired. "I promise. This isn't the last time, but I'm not sure when the next time will be. We're OK, don't think we're not fine. I just want to be alone," he added, and I nodded. "Go ahead and go home, El. Text me if you've already arrived." "All right," I said, "text me too if you've already arrived home." I bowed to him and walked away. I was not in my own mind while walking. I have no idea where I'm headed. I didn't know how to modify how I felt any longer. We were supposed to spend the entire day at the mall, but the exact reverse happened. I'd like to believe things are fine, but I can"t fool myself. This is the breakdown I'm trying to prevent. I torment Jas, and he torments me as well. Is this the one that says we're not allowed to be together? Is it already written in stone that we can only harm one another? I wouldn't have fallen for him if I had known we were going to damage each other. He still regards me as a friend, but he is having difficulties with me, so what will happen if he falls in love with me? I'm not sure why my foot led me to the ice cream parlor. I just realized I was standing right in front of the cashier, who was asking me what flavor I wanted. "Cookies with cream," I said, searching in my handbag for payment. I paid for the ice cream and gave it to the counter lady. I sat down after looking for a seat. I didn't think twice about opening the ice cream and devouring it. I'm not sure how I got here because my mind was elsewhere earlier, but I'm grateful that my foot led me here because I need to calm off now. Ice cream can chill my throat even if it doesn't cool my brain or my feelings. At the very least, I can feel a chill in my body. I noticed a familiar face walking in while I was having my ice cream. I quickly bowed because it was Jas. I got up to leave the shop when he got to the counter. I'm sure he didn't notice me, and I don't want him to recognize me. It was enough for me to see him, even if it meant reliving the sadness that I had temporarily removed from my memory. I returned my gaze to him at the counter before exiting the store. We both bought the same flavor, so I forced a smile. "We're eating the same thing, but we're not together," I murmured, and when he turned to leave me, I looked down and walked away. I went out to the mall and it's still raining; I don't have an umbrella and have no choice but to walk through it. I don't want Jas to see me; I want him to forget about me for now. Even if the truth hurts me, I have to accept and stand up for it. If you love someone, you don't want to hurt them. I also have a hard time but I have a harder time when I see him struggling and the most difficult part for me is embracing the notion that I am the cause of his difficulties rather than his rest. I walk to the bus station to get home.I'm not sure if I'll be able to ride because I'm so wet. Because of how I appear, the driver may refuse to let me in. I was astonished when a car stopped in front of me while walking along the side of the highway. When the driver glanced through the window, I was taken aback. Regardless, I walked past him and proceeded on my way. I walked faster but he chased me. I had no fight because I was just walking and he had a car but I didn"t give up. What else does this person need from me? I'm not in the right court to talk to anyone and i know he's just going to mess with me. I turned away from him so he couldn't follow me, and everything went according to plan. He didn't follow me, and now my dilemma is figuring out how to get home. I'm not on the highway anymore, and I appear to be lost. There are no dwellings, and the area is densely forested. I was terrified, and as I turned onto a road, the car I was trying to avoid was already there. I'm not sure what happened, but I don't have time to be concerned or think about it. I turned away from the car, intending to return to the location where I had passed, but I was stopped by someone who was holding an umbrella and had no emotion when he looked at me. I kept walking despite my inability to look at him. I don't mind if I appear this way in front of him. I'm sure he felt terrible for me, and I wouldn't ask him for a ride even if I needed one. I thought I could escape him. I thought he would let me but I was wrong. He grabbed my arm and even though I tried to get away, he didn"t let go of me. "Let me go! I don't have time to talk. Just pretend you don't know me and you can't see me!" I exclaimed at him and trying to let his hand off to me, but he didn"t let it. "I'll take you home," he said calmly. His demeanor shifted, as did the way he spoke. He's not like this, and I've only recently witnessed him acting like this. I took a deep breath before speaking. "There's no need, Ivan; I can get home on my own. Let me go." "You're so wet so how can you come home looking like that? Do you think there's a jeep and a bus that will stop on you?" he asked as if he was mad at what I was doing. "I'm going to walk. I can handle myself so let me go." "I'll never let you go," he whispered solemnly as he dragged me to his car. He was strong, and I couldn't fight back, so he slid me into his car with ease. I attempted to open the door but was unable. He dashed to the other side of the car and opened the door to the passenger compartment, where he would drive. "Get me out of here! I don't want to look indebted to someone like you!" I exclaimed but he did not listen to me. He started to drive and I didn"t stop saying he have to get me out but he just kept pretending deaf. He drives fast and if I try to move him there is a possibility that we will have an accident. "Get me out of here, Ivan. Aren't you tired of listening to my screams? Aren't you irritated by my noise? I know you're irritated so let me get out of here." "I'd rather hear your voice. You can shout as much as you want but you can't stop me from taking you to your home." After hearing those words from him, I fell silent. Even though I shout here I can't stop him and I just make myself tired. I'm so tired of everything. I just want to sleep in the room and have a rest for my brain and body. "Why are you silent? I told you, I want to hear your voice always. I"m not joking," he said, chuckling.He's been serious lately. Ivan is back to the way I used to be. He is really a worthless person. "Don"t talk to me Ivan. I'm not happy with you."