Chapter 11 back to haunt you

Tyler seems to be better. The news of our baby that is on the way has cleared his head in some way and he has escaped from the demon that has to hold him back in his mind. Or that is what I have thought. Last night was torture, not only for me but for him as well. The nightmares seem to have crept their way back into his soul. I did not but sleep one wink out of desperation to get him from where he went running off again. I thought he had escaped the place where he had gone, but yet he is back again. The man that I love has become but a shelf of who he is. He has forgotten all the good things that need to keep him here. As we sit for breakfast this morning, which he reluctantly had been forced to do, I can see that hollowness has returned to his mind. Tyler is gone from me again and I have, once again, no way in saving him from himself. I thought that the news of our baby would keep him back, get him away and save him from the monster that has taken him from me away in that barn. I thought I could do this, I thought I could make him better and take those demons away, I have failed. I have failed my husband and I have failed our baby. How long is this going to last? How long is he going to disappear to wherever it is that he takes himself? I fear, and in no way am I saying that Tyler shall, but I fear for what he might do to himself. It is terrifying to be lonely in the dark and you cannot get your way back from the dark. He has taken himself there to protect himself, yet he does not seem to understand that he is doing more harm than anything else. So after what is a mumble of thank you for breakfast, he disappears off outside to the stables. He has not the one getting onto his favorite horse since we have brought him here, and not yet even as he dangled his toes in the cool water of the pool. He has once again stopped doing the things that he enjoys. That is not what upsets me the most, it is as if he has, and I am not saying that it is, but he has lost all memory of what should be the only thing that matters the most…our baby. I have sat here endless hours thinking if this is what our child is going to be born into, yet, I am hoping that in little less than nine months that he has dealt with those monsters in his head. Yes, I am partly blamed for him pulling back into his shell, I carelessly did not throw that godforsaken paper away, so in a way, this is been dealt by my own hand. Yes, I keep on hurting Tyler over and over even though I do not intend to do so. Once he is out of reach and he would not be able to hear a word, I phone Sandra as Brooke is not picking up her phone. She only needs to hear the tremble in my voice, then she knows that I am going to break down. …Tyler POV… My mind does not be in the present. I thought that I have escaped the demons in my head, but the moment I read those very words, "Texas Showdown." Well, it started to haunt me once again. I do not want to be around things that remind me of the monster whose life I have taken. Why, even though by some law I am allowed to, but why should I be given the right to chose if someone dies. I do not become the Sheriff to gun people down, I became one because I loved to care for and protect the people of that town. Yes, I had to protect my wife, and my baby, but at what cost has it been for me? Could Luke not just talk things out like any normal person? But no, he was a monster, but god, he was a friend. I killed a friend and that is something that I will never live with. No matter how many times people will tell me that it is self-defense, I killed a man that I did once cared for. This is the demon in my mind, this is the monster that I have created for myself as well. I cannot sit back and believe that this will okay, because, in fact, I don t think they ever will. So it has brought me back to this. We have a baby on the way, and I cannot get myself to celebrate it. How am I supposed to feel joy in my heart when it is as black as the skies without any starlight? Life will never be the same, and I fear, even though I thought I can, I cannot get over this. Will I forever see Jenna as the woman that turned Luke into a monster? Will I, and I know I should not, but will I forever blame her for this to happen? I love Jenna will all my heart and I know that I forever will, yet, she is, in a way, she keeps on destroying me. I cannot help again when I look at her then I am reminded of Luke. I cannot be this. I cannot be a man that does not want to get up in the morning and not see the light of day. I do not want to fight a battle that is too hard to bear, that seems way too impossible to conquer. I do not want to hurt, I do not want to cry. I do not want those dreams and most of all the hollowness and fear inside. I cannot do this. I do not want to carry on. I do not want to live this life …Jenna POV… As Sandra answers the phone, I watch as he disappears into the stable. I do hope that he is going to take a ride at least to save him from his mind. So a very anxious Sandra is waiting very much for me to answer, "Jenna, what is wrong? You seem to be two seconds from breaking down. Is it the baby?" "No, Sandra, it is Tyler. He has gone back to being himself. I do not know what to do. I thought we have been through this and it was over and gone." "What happened?" I sigh as I take my mind back to him finding that paper in the drawer again, "I forgot to throw that article away. He found it last night and this morning he is back to being lost in his head." Her voice but drops a whisper as if she almost does not want him to hear, "I thought the baby would give him that hope that he needs." I find myself shaking my head in agreement, "I also thought that. I tried to get him to look at things for the baby room so long but he told me that it was way too early for that. It is as if he has lost interest in that as well." "Well," Sandra starts to say, "It is a bit early for that sweety, and men don t really get involved in that until much later on." "God," I can only but laugh at her, "You seem to be taking his side now." "There are no sides Jenna, it is patience, that is what you two need now." She stops for but a few seconds before she carries on, "It does not just go away like that. It cannot stop overnight and things will be back to normal. If it was not the paper, then it would have been something else." I so hate when Sandra makes all the sense in the world, but then she drops the tone of her voice again," You know that this is never going to be over?" Her remark takes me by surprise, does she truly think that Tyler will never be the same? Without bursting out into tears, I look in the stable s direction before I carry, "What do you mean? What do you mean that it will never be over?" I hear as she stutters and mumbles as she is trying to find the words, "I need to go." And before I can even push her further, she drops the call down on me. There is something that she is not telling me, there is something that has happened that I do not know off. Sandra is not the one for hiding secrets. So I dial her number once again and this time it only but rings and rings with no answer. But next from the stables comes godawful noise