  &quot;What?&quot; Everything in me halts to some weird frozen moment, suspended in time and my manic panic calms instantly to surreal numbness. One questioning word jerked out of me in response to his statement.
      Standing in the lift facing him while he holds the doors wide, only feet apart and so close to escaping I can almost taste it.
      Tears stop and my body stills. I openly stare at him in complete shock. Brain stuttering on his words and unable to react whilst in a state of disbelief.
      I stop my noisy breakdown and hold very still, breath paused, emotion idling while I wait. The hysteria of a moment ago fades to this eerie silence between us as I pause for an explanation, an expansion of his sentence. Of a meaning to him saying the word love, to me, of all people.
      He can't love me. It makes no sense. He hates me. He hurts me, he always has.
      But he just t

  &quot;It was always real. I never lied to you. I never once played games with you. You had me even when I didn't want it to be so. You changed everything for me … and you ripped down all my defences until I was nothing. You made me love you, you complete fucking idiot, and then you destroyed me. I did nothing wrong. I never deserved that.&quot; I wail at him, in frustration, heartbreak and despair. Angry that it all comes down to this. That he thought I was playing him all that time. That his cruel wanker side was on the full offensive because he believed I was nothing more than a manipulating whore out to get his money, his power, or maybe just his heart, so I could become his puppeteer. Just a devious gold digger in his eyes who came with a bad reputation for being just that.
      He has no clue how wrong he was, how deep my feelings for him ran or how for the first time in my life 

  After everything he did, and everything I swore I would never let him do again. I crossed that line to sex and I just opened the door to his ability to fuck me up all over again. It hits me like a sucker punch in the stomach as my entire happy mood and tingles give way to crushing self-doubt and the heavy weight of complete panic once more.
      Didn't I learn anything?
      Didn't I tell myself that when it came to sex he changes and turns on me like a caged beast?
      I have been down this road before! When I stupidly thought it wouldn't change anything and it changed EVERYTHING.
      My heart is no longer slowing from exertion, but pounding and hammering in my chest as fear and the realisation that he will destroy me all over again hits me hard. It's what he does. Only this time I'm not strong enough. I won't be able to take it twice … this time I can't.
      If I thought I lo

&quot;What?&quot; Everything in me halts to some weird frozen moment, suspended in time and my manic panic calms instantly to surreal numbness. One questioning word jerked out of me in response to his statement.
      Standing in the lift facing him while he holds the doors wide, only feet apart and so close to escaping I can almost taste it.
      Tears stop and my body stills. I openly stare at him in complete shock. Brain stuttering on his words and unable to react whilst in a state of disbelief.
      I stop my noisy breakdown and hold very still, breath paused, emotion idling while I wait. The hysteria of a moment ago fades to this eerie silence between us as I pause for an explanation, an expansion of his sentence. Of a meaning to him saying the word love, to me, of all people.
      He can't love me. It makes no sense. He hates me. He hurts me, he always has.
      But he just told me he loves me, and he will do anything to keep me.
      My brain is melting. I don't know 

Chapter 69