Chapter 2 : Reality

Ugh…where am I? My head pounded, blood rushing in my ears. I reached out from under the covers to prod at my temples, rubbing circles in an attempt to offset the discomfort. Blurry flashes from last night occupied my mind. It was all a haze. Sensations of Orion's hands on me, but I couldn't remember his face. All I could remember was how he made me feel. I couldn't imagine his smile but I knew how it pooled warmth in my belly. I couldn't remember what color his eyes were, but I could remember the hunger in his gaze. The predatory desire enveloped me entirely. A wet, hot tongue sliding across my skin. A fire scorched under my skin so hot I didn't know if I could ever put it out. Everything he did just propelled me higher. Made me hungrier. I felt so fucking exquisite. Desired. Wanted. But that was last night. Time to get back to reality. Open my eyes, get dressed and leave. Pretend it never happened. If I talked to him, that would only make this worse. Guilt plagued me. I cheated on my boyfriend. Well, Deacon cheated first, but how does it make this okay? I hadn't even processed my feelings about that either. But now I had to face the consequences of my actions. Fuck, I had to find a new job, too. My life was falling apart around me and instead of dealing with it head-on, I drank myself into a stupor and fucked the first person who was nice to me. Pathetic. And desperate. I peeked out of my eyelids hesitantly, hoping Orion wasn't laying next to me. When I tried to think of his face, it was out of focus. A warmth spilled through my chest when I realized I wanted one more look at him, to remind myself what he looked like. But I wasn't upstairs at the club. Not that I could remember what it looked like, but I knew my comforter when I saw it. I shot up in my bed, throwing my blanket off of myself. Pajamas. I was in pajamas, my hair in braids like it usually was when I slept. Weird. I looked around at no signs of another man at all. My phone was on the charger. 9:25 AM. No missed messages. I guess Nova didn't even text me to see when I was coming home. Figures. She must've been too distracted by Deacon to care. I bit back the anger swelling in my chest. Smashed it down into nothing. Anger never got me anywhere. Did I get so drunk I didn't remember coming home? Was I so starved for sex I dreamt Orion up? That whole encounter? I'd take it. At least I got a break from the nightmares. Glass shattering. Thunder and rainfall. My mother's scream as the truck sideswiped us. The sensation of her arm reaching across my chest to protect me from the impact of the tree. Branches piercing my body. Pain obliterating all sense of reality. And there it was again. The reminder she was gone. I gulped down my tears. The anguish sitting on my chest. I rubbed roughly against my sternum like that would make the pain go away. But it didn't. I groaned, hanging my head in my hands. Dreaming up the perfect man was pathetic. Of course, that's what happened. It just felt so real…I shook my head. What kind of name is Orion anyways? Only something an astronomy major would think of. "What a waste of money. Especially after you lost that internship," an intrusive thought reminded me. It seemed like such a simple thing. I wanted to be an astronomer. But I was literally striving for the stars. Wasted time. A failure. But my mom never hated me for that, even if I felt like everyone else did. Like I failed their high expectations. But all doubt was erased when my mom squeezed my hand and praised me for trying. She wanted me to reach for my dreams, because as a single mother, she never could. Everything she did was for me, but I never doubted for a moment she loved me. A flitter of warmth sparked inside of me at the thought of her smile. Her embrace. My mom standing up and cheering me on as I got my degree. Walking down that stage. Then the blooming warmth was snuffed out like a foot stomping out the embers of a campfire. She was gone. The only two people who were with me after she died and I started the long journey to recovery were betraying me for God knows how long. Seeing each other in the shadows. Did he think of her when he fucked me? My chest squeezed hard, my hands clenching into rigid fists. Let it go. Let it go. Anger never did you any good. I took a deep breath, slowly unfurling my fists. One thing at a time. It didn't matter right now. Now I just had to figure out how to pay the electricity bill. Fuck. This was going to suck. My entire body ached as I changed into some jeans and a t-shirt. Fuck wearing a bra today. I pulled on an oversized hoodie to hide my face. Even the blue sequined dress was crumpled in my laundry basket. This was too weird. How did I even get home last night? Maybe I should go back to the club tonight. See if Orion would be there tonight. Maybe then I'd feel less crazy. Ugh. I need coffee. I stepped out of my room, and I watched Nova's head perk out from the kitchen. Just like that, a sharp spear of betrayal shot right through my heart. She waved at me with an uncomfortable smile. "Good morning! You want coffee? You got home pretty late last night." Don't pretend you're not the reason I stayed out so late, is what I wanted to say. But I didn't. "Yeah, I had a rough day yesterday and I needed to be alone." "Yeah, alone in your stripper heels?" Nova commented, gesturing to my heels slung next to the shoe rack. "Heels make me feel pretty," I replied quietly. Nova scoffed. "Yeah. Okay. Whatever." She turned from me to start the coffee maker. "Where'd you go anyways?" "Just a bar. What time did I get home last night?" I asked, taking a seat at our coffee table. "Around five. If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were doing a walk of shame," Nova said pointedly, but even she couldn't hide the smile in her voice. "I didn't think you were that type of girl." I tucked my hair behind my ear, my cheeks flushing in shame. "I don't even remember coming home, Nova. I was probably passed out at the bar." She shrugged, pouring herself a cup. She took a long slow sip before saying, "It's dangerous to be out alone, Adira. We live in LA for fuck's sake. Girls go missing every night. Especially drunk girls." "You're right. I just wasn't thinking." I paused. "We need to talk about something." Nova stiffened completely, putting her coffee down. "You sure you don't want your coffee first?" I shook my head, my hands trembling. "I lost my job yesterday." My eyes dipped down before I could see Nova slam her fists down on the counter. I looked up through the stray strands of hair, Nova's dark brown eyes flaming. "What did you do?" she snapped. "We needed that job!" I flinched at her tone, scrubbing my hands together as if they were dirty. "They said the company was moving in another direction…and I didn't fit it anymore." "And what? Just like that?" Nova snapped her fingers. "No, you had to have done something." She pressed her manicured hands into her face, tension rising in her shoulders. "I can't afford rent by myself." "I'm sorry, Nova, I'll get a new job. My severance package isn't much, but it should cover next month's rent. You wouldn't have to pay your half, I'll cover it," I offered, knowing money was supposed to pay back the loan I took out for my mom's funeral, and the massive hospital bills but that was my problem. With a heavy breath, she stood up straight. "Okay. But you better get another job quickly. Bills are only getting more expensive. I guess if we have to, we can sell some of your mom's stuff." "No!" I shouted, taking both me and Nova by surprise. I took a deep breath, steadying the nerves in my chest. "We're not selling my mom's stuff." I'm not selling the few pieces of her I have left. Nova held her hands up. "Fine." She tossed her frizzy bleached hair over her shoulder, heading in the direction of her room. "But when we can't keep the lights on, at least we'll still have your mom's earrings." My chair scraped the floor as I stood up. Grinding my teeth together, I swallowed down the thickness in my throat. My shoulders quivered and I snatched up my car keys before Nova could see me cry. She would just ridicule me for it. I grabbed my sneakers, putting them on quickly. "Where are you going?" Nova quirked an eyebrow, leaning against the doorway to her room. "Out," I whispered, fighting the warbling of my voice. Nova scoffed. "Fine. Go see who's hiring while you're out." She paused, a mean tilt to her tone. "Don't you want to wear your heels to feel pretty?" My heart squeezed, a fist gripping it tightly. I wanted to say something, do something, but the same fist around my heart also strangled my throat. I wiped my falling tears with the back of my hand. "Oh…did I hurt your feelings? It was just a joke, Adira," Nova remarked and I could practically hear the way her eyes rolled. An exasperated sigh. Could I really not take a joke? I forced a smile, sniffling pathetically. "Yeah, I know. I'm just being sensitive." "You gotta work on that. You're really too sensitive. I want to be able to joke with my best friend," she said. "Wherever you're going, have fun. Not too much fun though." She waved her hand and disappeared into her room. Instantly, the atmosphere in the room didn't feel so suffocating. Finally, the smile slipped from my lips and the tears fell more quickly. I needed to be alone. My phone buzzed. LOVE: Good morning, baby. Deacon. My stomach churned. I couldn't fucking respond to him right now. I ignored it and put it back into my pocket. It buzzed again. LOVE: Nova said you got home late last night. Is everything okay? A shadow of adoration came over me. Only to be squashed as quickly as it came. How pathetic was it a simple, "is everything okay?" made me feel fuzzy inside. It wasn't even the bare minimum, it was basic decency. Deacon didn't love me. But I didn't have it in me to tell him how I really felt. Everything hurts. Why can't it just go away? I would have been better off if I did end up in a ditch somewhere last night. ME: Rough night. I'm fine. I'll talk to you later. LOVE: Okay. I love you. What a fucking liar. A lump formed in my throat, tears bleeding out the corners of my eyes as I replied. ME: I love you too. Opening the door, I locked it behind me, rushing down the hallway before any of my neighbors could see my bloodshot eyes and tear-streaked cheeks. I pulled the hood over my head, my braids over my shoulders, styled in a way that hid my mutilation. I didn't know where I was going, but I needed a job. I was in no way dressed for an interview, but I could at least pick up a few applications. I took a deep breath, settled my shoulders, and got into my car. As soon as I got into my car, I dropped my head onto the steering wheel. I didn't even get my coffee.