Chapter 15 Confessions To Love

Day one after the admission was torture; day two was spent in agony, day three mostly crying, day four regret, day five staring down the bottom of a tequila bottle. I drove into the other town and topped up on as much tequila as I can. I wired money from my trust fund to Clara to give to Tyler for a couple of months of rent. I am here to live my life, not become dependent on someone else again. I got another bikini, a pink off-shoulder one. I don't think I gave it much thought as I generally hate pink. I think I might have been a little drunk when I bought it. It is practically the only thing I have worn for these past five days. I make my drunk ass up to the pool again; it is my afternoon of sun, music, and alcohol. I have upgraded myself to a mix disc giving me a bit more variety, but I still get stuck on one song. I blast the music load, grab my bottle of tequila and go sit on the pool steps. "When your day is long…And the night…The night is yours alone…When you're sure you've had enough…Of this life…Well hang on…Don't let yourself go…'Cause everybody cries…And everybody hurts…Sometimes." The regret lays thick inside my heart. It just kills me inside. Why did I have to be so fucking stupid? I messed up something perfectly good by saying the one word that we both agreed should never have happened. I skip back and play the song over and over again. I can see his truck in the driveway; he is standing next to it; it looks like he is on his phone. The pain suffocates me again; I take one big swallow of my tequila to numb it away. It's two in the afternoon, and I am wasted. But I am not done. I dive into the water to wake me up and go sit on the steps again. As my bottle empties, I get up to get another one. I skip and play the song over and over again and work my way through half my bottle. I am now officially trashed. There is no way I am walking back to the house now. I push myself up onto the bar counter and sit there and watch the sunset. The next thing I hear someone's voice next to me, "Jenna, please stop doing this" My speech is slurred and my vision somewhat blurred, but it is very much unmistakable; it is Tyler as hot as ever, standing with pleading eyes in front of me. Not wanting to show him how happy I am to see him, I snap at him, "Fuck stop creeping up on me." "Let me take you home." Even though there is the incredible desire to give into him, I firmly reject him, "No," I say in a huff as I take another sip from my bottle. "How are you going to get home?" I hear him ask, I can see the amusement in his eyes, but his face does not tell it. "Walk," I say, trying to convince him that I am, even though not possible, am capable of walking home. "I can't see that happening." "I am fine." "Two bottles of tequila tell me otherwise." Getting somewhat annoyed now, I cut him off, "I am fine." "Stop being difficult." "Don't pretend that you care now," my words seem to come out far harsher than I thought. I can see the sting in his eyes, but yet his body does not show emotion. "I am not having this conversation while you drunk." "What conversation?" "For fuck sakes, Jenna." "For fuck sakes, Tyler." "Just come," he says as he is starting to lose patience with me. "No." "Don't make me pick you up." "You won't dare." "Watch me." With that, Tyler grabs me by my ass and wraps my legs around his waist; he carries me home. But he does not carry me to my home; instead, I see him take me towards his, "Where are you going?" I ask. "I am taking you home." "My home is over there." "Not tonight." When we get to his house, he carries me upstairs and lays me down on his bed. "Tyler," my words come out as a whisper, but my intention is clear. "Yes, Jenna?" "Help me take this bikini off." "For fuck sakes." "What?" "Just lay still." Before he pulls away from me, I lock my arms around his neck and pull him closer until our lips meet. I crave his touch; I have missed his lips. But he immediately pulls away. "I can't do this, Jenna." "Why?" "You are drunk; I am not taking advantage of you." "It's not if I say it is okay." "Still, I can't do it," he says, not once faltering in the decision he has made. "Are you going to come to lay with me?" I ask. To be honest, it is more like begging. "No, I will be next door if you need me." "I need you now." "No, Jenna." Tyler gets up and leaves the room. My heart breaks into pieces all over again. I have seen him walk away from me for far too many times for it not to hurt. When he gets to the door, I call after him, "Tyler." "Yes, Jenna?" Before I know what possesses me, I say would most probably the one thing that would hurt him the most, "You should have left me in my car." "What do you mean?" "I regret ever meeting you." He does not say a word; he turns around and leaves. I know it is cutting him deeper than a knife. It is meant to hurt; it is meant to sting. And oh god, does it hits him in his heart more than anything would ever do. I hear him scuffle in the next room; then I listen to what I think is him punching the wall. I get up to go check on Tyler. The minute I stepped through the door, I could feel it. The air between us was electrifying. I knew that I just had to have him here and now. I want to feel him near me. He is got this hold on me; he has got me under his complete spell. "Jenna, please." "Ssshhh, Tyler." I look at him, and there is a softness in his eyes. Although his eyes are soft, I notice the feelings behind them, as if he is longing for something. He touches his forehead to mine, and I feel a warmth, one that I've never experienced before. It fills my body, from head to toe, invigorating me and filling me with passion and hope that is so powerful. I lean my head closer until our lips meet. Gentle but passionate, I press my lips into his. The world around me slows so that I can savor this moment. My heart flutters as he kisses me back. "Jenna, what are you doing?" "What does it look like, Tyler?" He smiles at me and allows me to push his body back into the soft sheets. With him pinned between my two hands, I drop my lips to meet his. Our lips fit perfectly as if they are meant for each other. To move and feel each other, in passionate moments like these. I grab the back of his neck to deepen the kiss even further, I growl in the kiss as he whimpers in pleasure. The kiss has a raw intensity, we are breathing fast, and our heart rates are beating even faster. I pull his shirt over his head and toss it into the corner. His body glows under the moonlight that is coming through the windows. I grab hold of the seams of his denim and slowly start sliding them over his legs until I slip his feet one by one out of them. He is bare in front of me; this god of a man is mine to take. Then before I know, our naked skin is touching and moving softly together, just like the finest of silk. Our bodies fit together as if we were made just for this, to fall into one another, to feel this natural rhythm. Both of us move in an intoxicated dance of limbs, never making the exact same moves twice. We pushing each other closer and closer until the pressure can no longer be controlled. Soon our breaths become moans, then cries, then we experience the most exhilarating release. "Jenna, you are killing me," I hear him say as soft as a whisper. "This has just become very complicated." With a heavy heart, I go back to the other room, where sleep very much eludes me. When I wake the next morning, there is a glass of water and two aspirins on the bedside table. There is a pair of shorts and a shirt neatly folded on the chair. Next to the glass of water is a little note from Tyler "Jenna, I hope you are feeling better this morning. I am sorry if I upset you last night. I cannot do this, not now, I am not ready. I don't know if I will ever be. I do love you with all my heart, more than you would ever know and more than I would admit. Love Tyler"