Chapter 2.2 - Chen

When I got home, I went upstairs to my bedroom. My arms and legs were spread wide as I lay down in bed, staring at the ceiling. Today, I couldn't stop thinking about Alex. Tears began to fall from my eyes, sliding down near my earlobes. However, I wasn't sure if it was out of remorse or because I missed him after ten years apart. I wanted to fight for us, for our relationship to work. But at the same time, I was frightened that if I said even a single word, tears would stream down my face, causing panic and more misunderstanding. I didn't want Alex to be confused as to why I was suddenly agitated. I wanted him to spend a few more moments with me in private as if it weren't the final time we'd see each other. At this point, I grabbed my phone and found myself staring at the old photos of Alex and me with my hand draped around his neck. Although it was supposedly a wacky group photo, it brought me to tears whenever I looked at them. 'Those good old times we have…it's sad to say that these moments will only remain a memory," I whispered, in tears, as flashes of the past rushed through my head. 'Chen?" When I heard his voice calling my name, I got a choking sensation and my eyes had grown bloodshot when I looked at him and gazed into his enormous brown eyes. Hearing his husky, deep voice caused my heart to race when I kept staring at him. Despite this, Alex maintained eye contact. It got worse. When I couldn't take it any longer, I grabbed his arm and held him as tightly as I could. 'Why?" I pulled myself up and sat at the edge of the bed. Then, I massaged my temples and rubbed my face down, wiping away the tears in my eyes. Nonetheless, I was blind to the impending events which made me feel that I liked spending time with you. I got to know you better than anyone else the more time I spent with you. Your need for family approval and your need to love and be loved are two things we have in common. I never imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I would begin to recognize myself in you. Since then, I haven't been able to take my gaze away from you, and I didn't realize I was falling for you. 'I'm sorry." I dried my tears and sobbed against the sheets. 'How did I get here? I thought that I could move on and enjoy the successes I've had. How come Alex's presence continues to influence me?" I rolled back to face the ceiling. Alex, you still have my heart after ten years. My hand pressed against my chest while I pondered. I closed my eyes and drifted off. Nonetheless, my feelings for him don't matter anymore. And it was my fault.