Chapter 18

''London, I told you to give Santagato a wide berth.'' Alexi snarls it at me quietly as he comes up behind me at the bar and I just sink in deflation and ignore him hovering right at my back as best I can. He's been on my arse for everything tonight while swanning around with his new skirt and some other girls from the floor like a horny teenager. If he's making a show of not favouring me, then it's effective. Killing what's left of my selfrespect and any inklings my heart might have had to keep on beating for him. I have literally had to endure him being ground on, kissed, felt up, and had a pair of naked tits thrust in his face when one of the girls gave him a lap dance. It's some new kind of torture, and yet I managed to look completely unaffected on the outside while my soul committed suicide. I feel like I exist in an alternate reality and no longer feel like I am here or real anymore. Every moment has become a constant mass of feeling like shit, and I'm on the verge of curling up to cry. For the first time ever, I think I see the benefits of getting high on Valium or boosting my depressive mood with some coke. Except he would flip his shit and find ways to turn it into a bad trip. Santagato has only approached me for requests, tending to his room and such, nothing more now that he realises I was a passing fad for King Carrero, but I guess Alexi is still keeping tabs on me enough to see him come near me. I don't know whether I should take hope in that or remind myself as a possessive bitch he still doesn't want people touching his toys. ''Calm yourself, New York.'' I jibe at his constant use of my stupid pet name. ''He wanted a specific girl with specific skills and some oysters sent to his room. He hasn't approached me for anything else except to meet his requests, and it seems I am no longer something he wants.'' I turn back to the bar and continue flicking through my list, checking for the names I was searching for as I am sure we have an extra guest that hasn't been accounted for. Ignoring the fact he is STILL standing right behind me, even though he knows it makes me uneasy, I blank him out with all my might. I saw a face in the group that I don't remember greeting and have no idea if he came in with our guests tonight. ''He had his hands on your ass.'' He sounds angry; probably enraged his property has been defiled by another man's touch. I would be a fool to assume jealousy and sigh heavily, more interested in my problem than his. ''If you haven't noticed, most of your members think I am still touch worthy, and I am pretty accomplished at removing their hands without insult. If you ever paid attention then you'll see that I get groped nightly, with subtle hands.'' I smirk at that one because I know that will enrage his good old ''Do not touch what's mine!'' mentality and show a severe lack of Carrero respect. ''What?'' Yep, definitely angry, his eyes changing from the palest grey to the darkest storm on the seas, and he also seems to grow a little taller. For once I get delighted at seeing his negative reaction. Nice to be on the offensive side for once. ''Your family have arrived; Mico told me they are upstairs and already have their appointment up there with them. Everyone is comfortable and being attended to, all ticking over like a finely oiled machine. I think I deserve a raise, or at least a pat on the back, for how well I run your little operation.'' I just gloss over his temper tantrum with indifference and try to focus on my tasks. I'm not going to let him get to me, not now he has the nerve to sit pushing women in my face all night. ''I'm taking you off the floor for the rest of the night, go upstairs.'' Alexi dismisses my half joking suggestions, sounding grim and stubborn, that simmering temper is not as controlled as normal and I turn on him with shock. ''Wait, what? Why?'' I am literally gawping at him in disbelief trying to figure out if he is being serious right now. Instantly pissed that he can just haul me off the floor over something fucking stupid. ''Joanne's here, I don't need two of you tending, get upstairs and take the rest of the night off.'' ''No! I won't go upstairs and twiddle my thumbs till four a.m. I'm happy down here and I don't care if your new toy is here, she's not capable of replacing me and I don't intend to let her.'' I have a stubborn determination too, and he can back off and get a grip if he thinks he can send me to bed like a child. That woman may be sharing his bed but over my dead body is she also going to be sharing this club. We built this and we run it together without interference. I am done being bossed around, pushed and trampled on by this arsehole. ''Since when has disobeying me ever been in your best interests?'' Low tone, I'm in the danger zone. I really am sick of this little control method nowadays, so instead of sinking back like I normally would I flash my own little fierce at him. ''Is this because other men dared to touch me?'' I flash at him, tossing back my hair over my shoulder with a manicured talon. So fucking transparent it's unreal. I honestly think I should book him a shrink appointment myself; this control thing he has going on was maybe sexy in the early days of meeting him, but when it's rammed down your throat at every turn and his tight leash of possessive is around your neck, it gets old very fast. ''Yes. Now get up the fucking stairs.'' Well he isn't denying it anyway, and he did lose his cool very fast. I swear Carrero is unravelling the longer I know him. That cool controlled mask slips more often with every passing week, and I wonder if he's brimming on an almighty breakdown. Maybe I do get to him too, in the same way he riles me, as he is certainly not the calm composed Carrero of the early days anymore. I slam my clipboard into his chest with an aggressive air, pushing it at him until he takes hold. Anger spiking and having a tantrum of my own, lifting my chin and tossing my locks back in an air of outright attitude. ''You have an uninvited guest, someone not on the list and the body count is off. Go get your new girl to figure that one out, if she has the brains.'' Alexi's arrogant look drops to one of blank as he flits his eyes down to the board instead, flipping it back to look at the names. ''What?'' He scans the list and then looks back at me with a furrowed brow. ''You're sure?'' The change in mood and manner highlights that he's at least listening and taking this seriously, so I too pipe down and move forward so surrounding ears do not hear. Putting our differences aside when it comes to something in ''our'' club being off. We take security seriously and an imposter is never a good thing in this kind of business. Our issues with one another will always come second to making my baby run perfectly. ''It's hard to take a head count when everyone's disappearing and moving around the rooms, but I am certain we have one extra that's unaccounted for, and I don't know who he came in with. One of your members didn't detail a guest.'' ''What does he look like?'' Alexi moves closer, voices hushed as he gets in against me, dipping his head close to mine to make sure no one picks up on the issue we are discussing. He is a man who likes to always look like he has everything in hand. ''Small, blondish hair, rugged and definitely not like he has the cash to afford a membership here. He's dressed casually too, and he's avoided me directly. I haven't seen him in half an hour, I'm still trying to see which party he is sitting with, but he's either gone into one of the rooms or left. I can't assign him to a name on here.'' I look up at Alexi's serious face, close enough to notice he's switched to a new aftershave. Not that it's important, but I noticed. ''No one's left. I've checked with Mico about departures before I came over here, none of the guests have gone out.'' Alexi seems pensive; all focus on this little issue. He hates not being in control and knowing every detail, so this will be his focus until he roots out the imposter. ''Well, as I am being sent to bed it's your problem now, good luck.'' I turn on my heel to leave him. Hating that I am walking off from a problem, but the upper hand today feels great. I high five myself as I know he will be rethinking my departure when he needs his quick - eyed redhead to scope out the guests. Smug that I get to annoy him, even if it is in some minor way. I plaster on my superior smile and walk slap bang into brunette as she practically throws her glass of red wine down the front of me with a dramatic collision. ''Honest to fucking God.'' I gawp, jumping back as the cold liquid seeps in and soaks my naked legs uncomfortably, the red fluid running down the full length of my pale dress, spreading and ruining the delicate fabric like a massive blood stain and pooling in my shoes until I shudder in both disgust and with reaction to icy cold liquid. I glare up at her in full fury, the urge to rip her head from her shoulders consumes me, and my body turns into a boiling pit of molten lava as I try and get a grip on my clenched fists and urge to throat punch her. This dress was the only good thing that came out of my Hamptons hell, and now she has turned it to worthless trash. ''Oopsy.'' She smirks at me. Accidental maybe, but she's more than happy about it and gloating like a childish playground bitch. ''This dress cost more than you get paid a month, what the actual fuck?'' I literally snap at her, accusatory and hatred evident as Alexi's hand cups my shoulder firmly and tugs me back to disengage my crazy mode of ''Kill Joanne.'' ''Enough! Get upstairs like I told you and don't come back down. Joanne, go do your job and get this mess cleaned up.'' He sounds as equally pissed at her as he does me, and she scuttles off like a little obedient lap dog without a hint of rebellion. Obviously, my first assessment of her was right, she has no backbone when it comes to Alexi. He will get bored of her faster than I can blink. ''You're paying for the dry-cleaning bill, seeing as she's your disaster. I didn't need any help down here and this dress is irreplaceable.'' I snap at him, completely distraught and enraged as I haul myself free of his grip childishly. ''Don't fucking touch me.'' I grit it out under my breath as an afterthought in rage because he's a bully, a bossy shit, and I am done playing his stupid games. He lost the right to touch me after what he did in the Hamptons, and he will never get it back. His touch makes my skin crawl now. He lets me go but holds me still with those focused eyes and furrowed brow. ''I'll pay for the cleaning or a new dress, now don't make a scene or I will publicly spank you.'' He warns in an equally hushed tone, but I just roll my eyes at him. ''Of course, you will.'' Sarcasm oozing with disdain and even I know that's an empty threat. He might get someone else to spank me, but this complete distaste for violence against women is a weakness for him that he should stop emphasizing. It's not honour or a code if that kind of trait is discovered by someone like Santagato. He just scowls and growls like a good old beastly monster, and I make a move before I encourage some other form of discipline. I am still sore about that damned room and that godawful cross among every other thing he has inflicted on me and just hightail it out into the corridor to work my way back to the lift before he rethinks my free pass. Wiping my dress in a completely useless manner and tutting and sighing at how ruined it is. The security men are huddled in a little group laughing and joking by the back door and pay no attention to me. The ones nearer the rear exit are gazing outside with the door open, and something going on back there that is either entertaining or dramatic enough to gather them like gossipy women to watch. I don't stop to find out what and walk along the quiet empty hall to the left which houses the lifts, concealed from the club and the door, pull out my card and swipe the nearest pad to get one to open. I wander into the first one that slides open gracefully, turn around and then jump in fright when a figure slides in beside me and covers my mouth with his hand before thrusting me against the wall aggressively. It happens so fast I don't have time to think or breathe, and as I am rammed face first against a wall with a hard body biting at my back I can barely move. I'm knocked for six, instantly stunned as the doors slide shut, and I'm left with a complete stranger holding me captive. My heart starts hammering as my body turns cold. Why does this shit always happen to me? ''Keep it quiet and I'll be nice, Camilla.'' I have no idea who he is other than he's the blonde rough guy I spotted earlier, and I have no connection to him. I feel sick with that infernal constant terror I feel nowadays and yet the fact he knows my name makes it more intense. This isn't random, he knows who I am. He also has me at an immediate disadvantage by pinning me face first against the wall and restraining me. Instant terror on its own, even if I did know him. A million scenarios run through my head from Rick paying this goon to finally find me, to any number of men or women I screwed over in the past tracking me down for revenge before Santagato crosses my mind. He was too polite and distancing himself tonight, too ready to play nice and forget that little drama from before. Knowing Alexi and his manipulative gameplay I can almost be positive that this is Santagato's doing. I try to twist and free myself, but he pulls his hand off my mouth, spins me, so we are facing one another and crushes my back to the wall cruelly. A relief to be out of that infernal position, but a short-lived feeling. He slides a gun out of his inner pocket, brings it up to hold at my temple and all bravado drains from me. Taking away all my fight as he smirks evilly, eyes running up and down with a look of creep with more than kidnap on his mind. ''Who are you? What do you want?'' I blurt it out, my body shaking and suffocated with the proximity, aware of how much danger I am in, yet I have no idea how he got past all of Alexi's men; heads will roll for this shit when he finds out. Up close I can see this guy is late forties, rough and not well shaven or well groomed. He has an air of street thug with watery blue eyes that seem devoid of life. ''I'm no one, just a hired hand leaving a message. Seems someone of importance values you enough to warrant me to make a mark.'' Shit! Santagato never backed off at all, he's not convinced that Alexi isn't into me and still thinks I am a weakness. It has to be. I don't even know how he still managed to keep a firearm after getting in here as Carrero's men pat everyone down, and we have metal detectors on every entrance. If he has a gun in here then he obviously had it left for him, meaning someone on the inside is involved, and he knew to wait until he got me alone. ''I'm nobody either - just a hired whore, I have no value to anyone.'' I try to keep my cool as cold metal digs into my skin on my face and try like crazy to keep my wits about me. No tears, no weakness. I have more steel than this. My insides maybe crumbling to dust and screaming with hysteria but my mask is in place and I can do this. I just need to bide my time until we get out of the lift and someone else, possibly security, sees us. We are in Alexi's building. ''A hired whore he hid in his mansion to keep safe; do you think people don't watch his every move? He shows a weakness, my boss takes advantage. That's how this works baby, and they have waited a long time to find an angle to change up the dynamics with Carrero.'' It IS Santagato. The slimy back-stabbing prick. ''Why me? Why not any one of his family? He has a ton of them who are more important to him than I am and more accessible.'' Keep him talking and hope he takes me to either the office or the apartment, as both have silent alarms that I can activate, and the desk man watching the cameras is outside the office twenty-four-seven. ''You don't harm a Carrero, that would start a war of epic proportions. You though, you're just a whore he's taken a shine too, that would just fuck him up, and his family won't back that kind of backlash. You're an edge to a negotiation, and he can get you back when he agrees to a few demands.'' He snarls yet moves in closer and runs a nose close to my neck and jawline, inhaling my scent in the freakiest perverted psychotic way and I wouldn't put rape past this creep. ''Back?'' I try to bring his attention away from mentally undressing me. ''We're going up in a lift of a building that Alexi has armed to the hilt, how do you plan on getting me out?'' I know goading him isn't the best plan but if I keep him focused and talking then he's less likely to start stripping me for his own desires. I can see the way his eyes are glazing over and his erection is prodding me in the pelvis already. Men like this use sex as a means to feel powerful, and he wouldn't be the first arsehole to do it. ''You think this is an opportunist moment? You're a dumb broad. Offices have windows, high buildings have ways down and I have a van waiting outside. This building isn't watched from the outside looking in because Carrero is more interested in what goes on inside.'' I pale, alarm bells ringing because I know what he says is true. There's an alleyway behind the building that you can access from another street, the building isn't watched from outside and there's a fire escape that runs halfway down to above the height of a van. If he gets me down that he can pass me off to anyone standing on the roof of a transit. This was planned, they have been waiting for a chance and my return gives them that. They knew I was coming back, what I don't get is why no one snatched me the night I ran? I was an easy target then, less hassle than this. Maybe that was all just confirmation for them. My running and his hightailing it to be there to find me. They missed a chance because they weren't sure I would be a weapon, and now they are. Fuck! Except I'm not, Alexi won't bend to save me because I'm only a toy and not of long-term value. He's not stupid, he will let me go the second he realises I affect his standing in this world and he'll let them kill me. I should be terrified of that prospect but I'm not. I'm strangely calm and devoid of feeling, much like I was when Tyler's men made it clear that day it was the end of my road. I swear I am broken and if it was Alexi making threats on my life, I would probably be a hysterical puddle on the floor, yet here I am, solid and stable as a rock. I told Sophie something about me because I had no one else to remember it after I was gone. Who I was, my real name. I was disappearing after a lifetime of being invisible, and I told her something true and meaningless. I don't know why, I guess it was like an acceptance that I never amounted to anything, and someone should know a girl named Lisa once lived in this body. Lisa was born with so much promise … but fate gave her a shit path, and she died somewhere after her eleventh birthday. Camilla isn't a real person, she's a guise, a façade, a mask, and she is truly worthless. A body that's been used by hundreds of men, a dirty vile hooker with no moral compass and no one who ever gave one shit about her. She fought to survive and hurt countless girls in the process; her death will not mean anything to anyone and therefore, I feel nothing about it happening. He drags me out of the lift on the office floor, tripping on my heels on the thick carpeting but I don't reach out to grab hold of him. I would rather fall and make it an effort for him to get me moving. The guard up here is new, he's only been here for the last two months, and instead of offering me relief at seeing a saviour he just nods and grins, and I swear I baulk at it. He's completely unshocked by the appearance of some greasy thug dragging Alexi's hostess by the arms with him to the office, and it dawns on me that this prick has been paid off. The nerve of the slimy little weaselly bastard. He's the insider? Someone who sits every day watching over Alexi's club like a silent protector; someone we put our trust in? He's new to here but I know he's been a paid hand for years in Alexi's empire. What the hell? Alexi was right, you can't trust anyone. They are all just opportunists waiting for a better deal, no wonder he keeps his circle of trust to blood only. No wonder he believes I will do the same. This guy has worked for him for a decade. As the hired hitman drags me towards the open office, I make to fight, twisting and digging my nails into his wrist with vengeance as I realise my last hope of help was a complete fail. It gets me slapped hard across the jaw for my efforts, and sends me flying into the open office door, so I land face first on the floor and lose a shoe in the process of carpet skidding and burning up my arm as I yelp in pain. It burns like hell and I scramble around trying to right myself, so I have a better position for a second wave of kicking back. ''Be fast, Mico comes up here to check in every so often.'' The gravelly voice of that traitorous bastard sitting at his bank of monitors makes me rage, and I literally will Alexi to find out what he's done. I want him to make his torture slow and fucking painful and I hope he drags it out for weeks and endures the worst kind of hell before he dies. ''The van should be there in two minutes exactly, everything is working to plan.'' The thug is over the top of me grabbing my limbs and body and dragging me across the carpet as though I am weightless. Effectively moving me without breaking a sweat, no matter how hard I am trying to resist. ''Shut the door in case anyone comes up to check on me.'' Traitor is up on his feet, picking up my shoe, and he tosses it into the room we are heading for. My captor bodily lifts me and tosses me right after it like a piece of lightweight rubbish and as I am hurled, half running as my legs hit the carpet, half falling and rolling with the force of it. I let out a muffled noise as I collide with floor again. I can still hear them as I stop dead, flailing like a dead fish and gather my wits. I crawl forward and get to my knees in a bid to get to the desk, pushing my minor pain aside. I don't know what alarms the button triggers or if the arsehole out there will be alerted, but I am not going without a fight. Alexi showed me how to trip every silent alarm in this building and it's my one chance of someone that Alexi trusts to come and find me. I hear him stalking in behind me and make a run for it as I get to my feet and kick off my last shoe, panic overtaking as adrenaline courses through my veins. Dashing forward as he tries to grab me and almost breaking my ankle with the awkward jolt forward I make, I skim around the desk just out of his grasp. I slide my hand under as I go, making a quick grab and a fly finger jab to hit the concealed alarm, a prominent small button under the left-hand side. I skid past, and he throws me a glare across the desk which turns into a snarl and then a sadistic smile, revealing a squint of yellowed teeth. ''So you like games huh? Fiery little witch who wants to be caught. I like chasing … I like hurting, and we have a couple minutes to kill.'' A sadistic scowl on that ugly face and I limber up with a fury inside, burning so violently with heat that it could compete with the sun. I am not about to take this lying down and even if he fucks me up, Alexi will come, and this guy will be screwed. I back up, slide my dress up above my knees so it's not as restricting to move, and get ready. I have no idea who or what that button does but I can guarantee that in minutes someone is going to be up here; I won't let them use me to get to Alexi, and I won't die for him when I know he wouldn't care. I make a run for it, my head down, and determined as hell, I aim for the door, but I'm not fast enough and despite adrenaline coursing through my body as every part of me pounds with all I have, he catches my arm and drags me backwards across the desk. It hurts like hell. Having my body rammed into a wooden ledge that topples me onto my back and then dragged across it while laptops, desk ornaments, pens and such scatter to the floor. It's like being poked and prodded with sharp inanimate objects all over every tender part of me, and I squeal out despite myself. What is it with rapists favouring fucking smooth surfaces to control me? He hauls me across and spins me, so my legs come to his and even though I try to fight with hands and feet, he holds that gun straight to my fucking throat and pushes it so hard I start choking on both the protrusion into my larynx and the cold heavy feel of imminent death if he pulls that trigger. It douses my fight and I choke, my hands immediately moving to try and stop him impaling my neck by grabbing the barrel and stop it pressing harder. ''I like fire. I am going to fuck you hard before I let them take you.'' He yanks me closer, pinned to the desk with that steel holding me still, my nose starting to run with what I presume is blood from being hit, and he starts grabbing at my wrist in a bid to better control me. I am trying to dislodge the infernal killing machine enough to keep breathing and struggle against him as he pulls one hand free. He has his back to my escape and try as I might I just need to hold on until someone, anyone, answers that alarm and bursts in here. I let go, the metal digging in further, so I cough in pain and tears fill my vision with what he's doing, but I know help is coming. I have no time to go weak with panic and fear, even though my body is soaring on adrenaline and shaking like crazy. I reach out and claw whatever I can get hold of on the arseholes head and face. I knew fake nails had a purpose beyond prettiness. I get another stinging smack to the face when I catch his eyes with my nails, muffling a cry. I may be being grappled at by a paid goon with a gun and hard-on, but I won't relent. He pins my whole face to the desk with the flat of his palm on my cheek, crushing my face sideways until the agony sears through me, feeling like my eyeballs may pop out of my skull, and it stops my every movement as I struggle to stay conscious. The metal against my throat presses harder, so I can no longer breathe, and he leans in rasping into my ear as the pressure in my cranium becomes unbearable. ''We're going to have ourselves a lot of fun over the next few days.'' He laughs disgustingly. Licking my ear as he does, slow and vile so my skin crawls and I buck and gag at the touch. There's a strange almighty cracking noise so sudden and unexpected that my heart lurches in response. It's loud, weird and indescribable—like branches cracking underfoot and I have no clue what the hell it is. It seems to have been right in my face and suddenly all pressure goes limp and the bastard slumps over me heavily, his hand drops on my throat as does his gun, releasing the pressure immediately. That is before sliding down my body, dragging my dress as his weight skims me and slides out of sight to the floor. I let out an exhale as everything starts to go from foggy to clear once more and blink at the ceiling first and then look down my body to where he seems to have passed out. Completely confused. I lift my head, panting and breathing hard to see where the hell he just went and freeze with shock at the sight before me. Coldness washing over me as I realise why he isn't on top of me anymore. Alexi is standing stock still, literally right behind where my attacker was a second ago with a murderous look on his face that makes all other fear I had for him pale in comparison. He's looking down, and as I lever myself up to try and get up, oblivious to the way his men are charging in, like an endless sea of black, I gasp in disbelief. He's staring at the lifeless body on the floor whose head is sitting at a completely unnatural angle with his eyes wide, glazed in a hellishly horrible way and focused on nothing with his mouth gaping wide open. He's dead. In a flash of a second, Alexi snapped his neck and now he's lying on the floor of our office completely and utterly dead. Alexi seems to blink himself back to the present and his eyes come to mine with the most unfathomable look. ''Are you okay?'' He sounds normal, calm, stable, and yet my heart hammering in my rib cage and eyes fixed on the dead person on the floor tell me this is not normal by any standard. I flinch when he shoves the body aside with his foot heartlessly and makes a path to get nearer to me. Recoiling in fear as he gets closer, and I realise he just did that in literally the blink of an eye. I'm caught in panic and disbelief that I just saw him murder someone with his bare hands. I don't know how to feel about him right now. I shake my head, as I don't know how else to respond, and stiffen when he sweeps me up off the desk in his arms and cradles me close like a fragile child at the speed of light, pulling me up to him and high from the floor. I don't fight, just stay obediently still as he carries me to the door and puts me back on my own bare feet. Mico is by the body now, checking he really is dead I presume, and flashes Alexi a look of question and dare I say it irritation. I get the feeling this is not how he normally handles things like this, and the eerie silence of his men in the room as they stand around waiting for orders adds to the tension. Everyone seems shocked that Alexi took care of the problem this way and despite feeling shell-shocked I can see the way they are looking at one another. Even though he puts me down he still has an arm around my shoulders, sheltering me as his eyes travel my face, he lifts my chin with a finger to scan the marks and mess left behind from the ordeal. Oblivious to the obviously annoyed face from Mico and the questioning glances from his entourage as they move to crowd the lifeless man on the floor. That little muscle in his jaw tightens, but he says nothing as he surveys the damage. He just looks angry and brooding as he pulls me close and gives me the first real hug I have ever had in my life. Wrapping both arms around my body and moulding me to him protectively and securely. I catch my breath and freeze awkwardly as I don't know how else to react. No one has ever hugged me for any reason other than to get sex out of me. No one has been tender to me for any reason, ever, and I don't know how to react, especially when it's Alexi trying to be the consoling one, and despite myself, my body sags against him as I hug him back. Creeping arms around that mass of muscled body and the dry eyes turn misty as everything that just happened comes at me from all angles. Forgetting my fear and numbing out what's lying on the floor, I bury my face against his chest and let him solidly cuddle me, drawing strength from how it feels as tears begin trickling down my face and my body starts vibrating with the first stages of shock. ''Get the fucking guard in here … that bastard sat out there and didn't do a damn thing. I can bet he can shed some light on who this was.'' Alexi barks as he rests his chin on top of my head, squeezing me tighter. If it wasn't in the midst of this shit it would be a moment I might actually treasure. A glimpse of a real human, right after I saw the monster he can truly be. Just when I think I can't hate him anymore than I do, he levels the playing field and wipes it all away with being both my hero and my consoler. My fight and loathing die in his embrace and I am just left a sobbing mess who needs him at this moment.