Chapter 101

The thought crosses my mind and I immediately push it away again as stupid and impulsive. It's a manipulation for an outcome, and I shouldn't even think of doing it for that reason. I should want to marry him because I love him. At this point in our journey, we are clawing at some honesty to build something real, and here I'm deviously thinking of a plan to use what he is to me for my own ends. After everything we have gone through, lies and games, manipulation and misunderstandings. It would ruin us if I used this to get what I want. I don't want to harm what we have growing between us. I want to be trusted and to trust him. I can't ask him to never betray me and then do exactly that. Isn't that what we are trying to learn to do? Isn't that why he is trying to show me he can be someone else just for me? It's there though. In my brain swirling around and I wonder about it a little too long. Guilt eating at me rapidly inside as I honestly ponder it with some