Chapter 5—The Forgotten Pill

“You really need to stop eating that, Amber.” I look at July, and I start to cry again. She lets out an exasperated sigh and settles on the couch beside me. “These things happen. You have to move on from it.” I place my head on her shoulder and sniff. “No. They don’t. Maybe mom was right and I’ve been cursed with ill luck.” “Don’t say that,” July chides, caressing my cheek and wiping the tears from them. She has been with me since this afternoon. Piper called her from work to come get me and, while I feel guilty for cutting into her schedule, I’m really glad she’s here. July is only a year older than me, but she’s been more of a mother to me than my actual mom has ever been. She’s always here when I need her, always tends to me when I am ill or broken spirited, always a call away from rushing down to my house if I don’t sound right. “I never quite approved of Grant—Jasper. Anyway, I always told you he looked like a douche.” “July!” I wail and she chuckles, ruffling my hair. I motion to scoop another spoon of ice-cream but she snatches the bowl from me and springs out of the chair before I can catch her. “Give it here!” “No. You’ve been eating a lot of junk—a lot in general. You’re going to get fat." “I won’t. I work out every day.” July eyes me strangely and drops the bowl on the coffee table. Her expression has turned serious and it is scaring me. She drops into a crouch in front of me and stares deeply into my eyes. Alright. She’s freaking me out. “You’re getting fat, Amber.” I peer down at myself instinctively and laugh nervously. “I’m not.” She arches a blonde brow at me and gives my chest a pointed look. I peer down at the swell of my breasts. They do look fuller today—but they have been looking that way for a while now. It doesn’t mean anything. July is just being annoying. “I know you’re usually smart about things like this but. . .did you take the morning after pill I left on the kitchen counter that morning?” I scoff. “As if I could forget something like—“ I freeze for about three seconds before jumping off the couch and dashing to the kitchen. Shit, shit, shit. I couldn’t have missed that. I couldn’t have forgotten to take it. Admittedly, I’ve been a horrible mess since that night. I've been depressed and living in my thoughts, in my head. Still, I couldn’t have forgotten to take the damn pill. July is hot on my heels, cussing under her breath as I scour the cabinets in my kitchen, throwing the groceries aside, emptying drawers. “Shit, Amber. Don’t tell me you forgot the pill!” “Cut me some slack, July. I don’t know—I don’t know!” I cry, tearing through the drawer where I keep my tablets. There’s no way I could have forgotten that. I remember seeing it on the counter, and grabbing it from there as well as grabbing a glass of water, but I received a call from work and— Every thought eddies out of my head when I find the single pill. It’s complete. I fall to my knees in realization and yell out my frustration, throwing the pill against the nearest wall. I didn’t take it. “Easy there, Amber,” July says, kneeling in front of me. She takes my face in her hands and smiles softly. “You can’t know for sure until you get the test done.” I shake my head and hug my knees to my chest. “There’s no need for that. I’m late.” I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant with Ryan’s child. I had been in my head and so occupied with my thoughts that I barely noticed any of it. The fatigue, the nausea, the increased food intake, my boobs getting bigger—I just thought my period was on its way. Oh, God. What do I do with this? I’m not ready to raise a child! My plans... “You’re keeping it?” July asks, and I don’t miss the silent excitement in her eyes. I look away, unable to meet her gaze as I say. "I–I can't. I don't know how to deal with this, July. I can't hardly take care of myself! How am I gonna take care of a baby?! I'm a freaking mess, July. The pay from the bakery can't do much for me. I've been saving for years to open my own bakery and I have begun paying for the place in installments. I don't have anything to get by on, July. I can't ..." July's eyes soften. "I'll drive you to the hospital tomorrow then." I know what she means by that. An abortion. Truth is, even if it’s come as a surprise, even if I’m not sure I can handle this right now, I can’t stomach terminating a child. I’ve always written it off, and now, when I’m in this situation, I still write it off. I shake my head as I feel a sudden wave of nausea. "No. No. Let's not…let's not do that." An idea crosses my mind but I hate it so much I want to puke. I just thought of giving my unborn child up for adoption. What is wrong with me? Panic. I'm panicking, I realize soon when I start to bite my nails. I can't abort it. I can't get rid of it. "What then? It won't be so bad. We could raise her together, you know." "You don't know it's a girl," I say, voice shaky with unshed tears. "I'm sure it is. You want a girl. I want a girl. It has to be a girl," July teases. "I don't know what to do, July." She cups my cheek and gives me a reassuring smile. "We'll figure it out." I nod, and July squeals, pulling me up into a tight hug. She begins jumping around the kitchen, forcing me to jump with her since I’m in her embrace. “We’re having a baby!” I am not in the least excited. Or happy. Afraid is more like it. I want to cry.