Chapter 17: Sleepless Night

I can't seem to fall asleep. My heart has not stopped racing. Even after tucking Ash in and taking a shower hasn't helped it slow. Ryan is in my house. In my bed. Not technically the one I'm currently in, but it is also mine. The walls of my apartment are not sound proof, and I can hear him in the shower. He is humming something inaudible. My imagination runs wild and my eyes flutter close as I imagine him in the shower. His glorious naked body I can't seem to get out of my head; his matted hair with water dripping from it; the water running down his muscled chest in rivulets; my tongue licking the water off his nipp— My eyes snap open. Something is wrong with me. My mouth is dry and while I would normally be asleep after a long day of work, my insides are in a knotty mess that makes it impossible to even close my eyes for a second. Water. I should get a glass of water. Slipping my finger out of Ash's hold, I roll over to the edge of the bed, pushing my feet into my flip-flops. I tie my robe about me tightly and slip out of the door quietly, so as not to wake Ash or alert Ryan that I may be up. I pull open the fridge and grab a jug from it, pouring some water into a glass, then lean back against the counter and chug the water without stopping. "Can't fall asleep?" The water goes down the wrong hole and I start coughing, eyes watering. My throat closes at the same exact moment I need the air. I set the glass in the counter, clutching my chest as I cough and try to get air into my lungs. "Breathe in through your nose. Close your mouth," Ryan says beside me, fingers rubbing lightly on my back. Heat seeps from his fingers through my silky nightdress and it is near scalding. I back away from him. It is more of a reflex than something I want. It felt nice. That's the problem. I'm not ready for any of these touchy-feely moments and emotions. I doubt he is in any way interested either. "Here," he says, handing me a refilled glass of water and I grab it without question and gulp down until my throat is fine again. "Thank you," I murmur. He nods. "I couldn't sleep either." I should go back to my room. I should go back to bed. I really should leave here right now. But I don't. I doubt I'll get any sleep this night. Not as long as he's in the same house with me and I can hear him moving in the next room. I lean back against the counter. "Wanna talk?" His gaze rises from the glass of water he is pouring himself and water trickles down from his wet hair, sliding down his profile. Only now do I notice that he is wearing a towel underneath his work shirt. Shit. It had not occured to me to ask if he needed clothes for the night. I know. I'm a terrible host. "I...uh...do you...I could give you a pair of sweats." "It's fine," he said simply. "I can manage." Another clear message of his. He didn't want or need my kind gesture. My gut squeezed. Why did it hurt so much? I had asked for this, made it clear every step of the way that it was just for Ash and not me. Not us. It is pointless remaining here. I push back from the counter, starting to move towards the sitting room but Ryan suddenly speaks, stopping me dead in my tracks. "I did not always want to be CEO." Befuddled, I turn to him. "What?" He shrugs, walking out of my kitchen with his halfway downed glass of water. "You asked what my dreams were earlier, and since neither of us is sleepy, might as well try to glean as much as we can from each other." He turns when he sees i have not moved from the spot and says, "You coming?" I follow closely behind him, repeating over and over in my head that a couple of minutes will do no harm. A couple of minutes talking to him will help our relationship--with Ash, of course. **** "I have never been through such a horrifying situation in my entire life," I laugh, back resting place on the sofa. We have been talking for well over three hours. My belly hurts like hell. I have been laughing nonstop. "July..." I trail off, recalling the moments I had been at my lowest and July had been there for me. I miss her. "July had flown all the way here, just to teach me the correct way to fix a diaper on Ash. A child caring for her child. That is what she called me." Ryan smiles, bringing down his palm on his face. "I had a friend like that, but he's passed away. Jasper tries to fill up the hole he believes in my heart." Ryan sighs and his expression turns pensive. "I should tell him. He'd be happy to know he already is a godfather." Jasper. Grant. My Ex. I doubt he will be happy to find who mothered the child. I had never really gotten around to actually getting to know him since all he did was lie to me, but bad habits, regardless of how well hidden they are, still come out to play. Grant was just a bastard. Ryan glances up. "You said you lost your boyfriend that night. Whatever happened to him?" Well, ain't that the billion dollar question?