Chapter 17

Rigella's POV

My heart is so exhausted that I can't breathe properly anymore. Tight in the chest and painful. And I think, what happened a while ago just pushed my limits. The limits of the pain that I supposed to feel.

I don't know why they call it a heartbreak because ... it feels like every part of my body is broken too. I'm damn tired and pained.

Ivan's just silently driving the car while I'm just staring at the car window the whole time. I can even hear the sound of the air-con because of the silence. Well, I presume that he's really angry because of what happened a while ago.

This is what I want too, anyway. The silence. I want to think clearly. I want to rest my heart from pain just for a while and ... I also don't want to talk to him.

Lara told him about their son. But ... he wanted to abort the child? Why is he like that? We have lost a child and now he wants to lose his and Lara's child. Doesn"t she know how painful it is to lose a child?

I pity the child. He is also affected by the trouble of our elders today. His or her father also don't want to accept him or her because of me.

I, I am the cause of it all. But, can I be selfish for once? Just this time? Can Ivan be with me first even now? Because ... I badly need him. I have nothing to lean on right now except my friends. Only him.

But because, I'm thinking about the boy. He needs a father. He can't grow up without even watching his father.

And Ice, he also needs a Dad. He is still young.

I sighed in confusion. This situation is the worst situation that I've ever experienced in my entire life. I was stuck, and I knew even Ivan was already confused as to what he would choose and the decision he would make.

"What did Lara tell you?"

I turned to him when he suddenly asked reason to break the silence. He glanced at me for a moment and immediately turned his gaze back to the road.

I bit my lower lip. "Uhh, she just apologized for the loss of our baby ..." I replied and averted my eyes.

Yes, I did not complete the true answer because ... I wanted him to tell me the truth himself.

I could see out of the corner of my eye that he seemed to be breathing loosely but there was still doubt that could be seen on his face.

"Is that all? Didn't he tell you anything else?" I could feel the nervousness in her voice but I didn"t notice that I felt that.

I smirked bitterly. "She begged, Ivan. She wants to give you forever with her that's why ... that's the scene you came across with us earlier ..."

I noticed his forehead was slightly furrowed but he also immediately nodded.

"She didn't tell you anything other than that?" He asked further.

I smiled wryly and shook my head. "Nothing. Why? Should I hear anything more from him?" I asked curiously and I saw her swallow.

"Uhh, no. I'm just worried. Maybe she said something else to you. You know her, she's a liar." He answered so I just nodded at him.

Why does he seem to want me to know the truth?

And darn, I don't know what to do now. I am confused about what is true and what is false.

I closed my eyes sharply and sighed. I'm damn confused right now.

~ • ~

Someone's POV

"What the hell ?! What happened ?!" I angrily shouted at one of my staff.

It just bent down and there was a trace of fear on his face. Curse this bastard to hell!

"Pa ... Patawad po-" I didn't let him finish his words and I shot him to death using my gun.

I shuddered throwing the gun at the wall. Those are worthless!

"The next time you slap me again, you'll be like that worthless whore! Do you understand ?!" I shouted and pointed at the man who was already bathed in blood because of my repeated shots at him.

My men bowed down and I stormed out of our hide out.

Very worthless staff! I pay them well to do their job but just being careful they still get slapped!

I immediately got in my car and dialed the number with my right hand. I need to tell him what happened so that he can disperse the opponents.

["Hello, boss?"]

I cleared my throat. "Destroy the races of those putanginang animals. They are shameless ... they really make me angry." I gritted my teeth because of anger.

["Okay, boss. I'll call you right away after I dispatch them."]

"Alright. Bye." I put down my phone and gripped the steering wheel of my car tightly.

My eyes glaze over with anger. Is their group really that eager to do that? And is he really an accomplice? Tangina!

They will pay. I make sure of that. They have humiliated my loved ones, I will kill their lives. I will never stop until they suffer. Magkamatayan na ...

Rigella's POV

I sighed as the car we were riding in entered the subdivision where our house was located. I want to give myself a rest just for a while and after that, I will immediately go to the chapel again to take care of my parents "hill.

I wish, I have the courage to control my feelings. It's as if I'm not hurting like this anymore. I also want my old self back. I'm the one who's brave, the one who doesn't try anything.

The biggest lesson that I learned over the years is that anyone can give up because it's the easiest thing ever. But to hold it together when everyone thinks you'd fall apart is the real strength.

But, in this situation, I don't think I can apply that lesson anymore. A child is affected by this and he has not yet been born.

Replacing, "What is this happening to me?" with "What is this trying to tell me?" has been a game changer for me and it's too destroyable. My whole being feels destroyed.

And, I finally realized what the situation's trying to tell me ...

When I saw the private playground we owned I smiled bitterly. The place where Ivan and I met was the most beautiful place for me.

"Can you stop the car for a while?" I said smiling as I gazed at the playground gate.

Ivan turned to me for a moment and I could see the confusion on his face. I only felt a sigh and he immediately parked the car at the gate.

I was about to get out of the car when he got out. I assumed he would open me up so I didn"t go down first.

My smile doesn't fading away and I don't know why. I don't know too if this is a real smile or I'm just pretending that I'm happy despite of what happened earlier.

He opened the door for me and helped me down. He closed the car's door and he still wouldn't remove his hold on my hand.

"Do you want to go inside?" He frowned at the question in a soft voice.

My smile became wider and I nodded after. "Yes please."

He puckered his lips and slowly nodded. She doesn"t seem to want to go to the playground because of the expression I see in her. But I was just swallowed up when he pulled my hand away and walked into the playground.

We met when he was guarding the playground so he let us in immediately. I looked around the playground and it looked like a mini park. Still really nice.

I sat on the swing and clasped my two hands. I think, this place will somehow lessen the sadness that I'm feeling. This place makes me smile whenever I go in here.

Ivan immediately followed me and sat on the swing next to me. I took a glance at him and he's just staring at the ground like he's thinking a deep thought. I swayed myself and looked at the sky, it's getting darker and I think it will rain.

Gradually my smile faded and I bowed at the thought. Since I was a child, I always love the rain. Because I believe that there is a rainbow after the rain, and rainbow symbolizes how colorful life is.

I thought, life is just easy and I can always get what I want and be happy. But no, life is full of struggles that I need to face before I achieve the happiness that I want.

"Why do you look upset?"

I was shocked when Ivan suddenly spoke out of nowhere. I turned to him and saw him looking at me worriedly. I guess, this is the start.

"Is it too obvious?" I chuckled a bit but immediately my previous expression returned. I'm now smiling sadly.

"Then, why do you looked upset?" He asked.

I turned to her and at the same time the tears I had been holding back. "I'm not upset because you lied to me, I'm upset because I won't be able to belive you now ..."

I saw the shock on his face. "What are you ..."

I stood up and wiped away my tears even as they continued to drip. My chest hurts a lot because of the pain. I can not take it anymore. I don't think I can bear to feel this kind of pain anymore.

"Why didn't you tell me you got Lara pregnant?" I asked an annoyed question and I could clearly see how shocked he was.

He stood up and grabbed me but I immediately walked away. I felt something dripping on my skin until that sequence. It's raining.

"I ... I can't just tell it to you, Rigella. You're still mourning and I don't want to add more-"

I cut his words. "That's not a reason enough for you to lie to me, Ivan. Hopefully, it was you who told me and it wasn't Lara who said it. And most of all, you told her to abort the child? What kind of father are you? ! " My tone rose to the last line I uttered.

It's funny that I'm crying under the rain. Maybe it's also good because I won't notice the tears that keep pouring down because of the heavy rain.

I already reached my limit. The realization that I need to let him go is too painful but ... I need to do it. I need to sacrifice.

"Three words, Ivan ..." I smiled softly and saw a little hope on his face.

"... Let me go."

Third Person's POV

"Three words, Ivan ..." Rigella said that gave Ivan a little hope. He thought that she will say the three magical words that he's been waiting for.

"... Let me go." She said that made his heart crashed into pieces.

Under the heavy rain, two lonely hearts are crying. One has given up and nothing hurts more there for two people in love.

Some people's pain, anger and sadness will only end here. Who would have guessed? With all that they had gone through, one had given up. What will happen to their love?

Because of the heavy downpour their passionate weeping could not be seen.

Ivan tried to touch Rigella again and he succeeded. The woman could no longer restrain him due to extreme weakness.

She just realized that she had to quit because she was no longer happy, and there was no cure for the fool if not initiative. If Ivan doesn't want to let him go, he'll be the one to fix everything.

"Rigella ... are you still going to give up? This is just a little conflict. It's still good-"

"No! I don't want to, Ivan. Please, let me make my decision. It's too much pain! In seven years, no, for eight years already! I haven't felt anything but pain. That guy, jealous jealous that I am because Lara is the only one you love, the only one you care about, the only one you care about. That she is the only one in your heart! It's hard to be jealous because I feel I have no right even if I'm your wife! " Rigella's sobbing promise made Ivan's heart ache.

He was speechless at what his wife said. He's very aware of all of that! So that he is recovering from his shortcomings with Rigella.

The only thing that hurts her is, why would Rigella be released now when she has already decided to love and take care of her? That's all!

And hell! He didn't expect that Lara will get pregnant. He thought she was on pills because it was forbidden for her to get pregnant because of her career as an actress.

Rigella, on the other hand can't bear the pain anymore but she can still manage to speak. In order for him to end it all he had to be steadfast.

"Now, I promise myself that I will never shrink my world once I turned you around. You're scary to love, Ivan. I just wanted to be the person you're scared to lose. I loved you todo and I gave the all of you but still lacking. Am I really that hard to love? " He asked. She had wanted to ask Ivan this for a long time but she didn't have the chance and bravery.

He shakes his head continuously. "No ... no, please don't say that. You're not hard to love. You're the best thing that ever happened to me. Please, don't leave me ..." he begged and kissed his wife's hand.

Rigella closes her eyes tightly and suppresses her sob. He could hardly feel the wetness from the rain because of the pain in his chest. She lost her baby and her parents. And now ... she's going to lose Ivan, the man she loves the most.

He didn't think that in the middle of the rain, his favorite event, Ivan and I would finally separate.

"No, no please ..." he pleaded.

Rigella just nodded. "I'm done. I'm done loving you alone. I'm done hoping that you will love me back and I'm done crying myself to sleep. You're just not worth it anymore ..." he retracted his hand to Ivan and moved away a little from it. "Nothing hurts more than being ignored, replaced, forgotten or lied to. And yeah, you damn did all of that to me! You made me feel like I'm just a nonsense girl! You hurt me so much! I'm too tired, I want to rest. I'm tired of waiting. So please, let me go. Just be the father of your daughter Lara ... "

Thousands of needles pierced Ivan's heart and weakly bit his lip while silently crying. He knows it's his fault. He made her realize that way!

He gathered the remaining strength and pulled Rigella into a hug. They're both soaking wet because of the rain but they didn't bother it anymore.

Rigella struggled but she tightened her grip on it. He doesn't want her to slip away from him! He can't! Never!

"Please, don't ever say that again. I won't leave you. I love you baby, please ... don't say that." He begs for a promise.

Rigella stopped struggling and kept her clenched fist on Ivan's chest. There she wept and hugged Ivan back.

"Damn you! I've waited for years just to hear those three words from you! Why now ?!" He whispered in her ear. The last time Ivan said 'I love you' was in the hospital and ... she didn't take that seriously so ...

"I'm sorry, baby. Please ... believe me, I love you. I won't let you go ..." Ivan sobbed and kissed Rigella's forehead. The last time Ivan said 'I love you' was in the hospital and ... she didn't take that seriously so ...

And the painful three words under the rain was finally said ...

Rigella's POV

I've learned from life that sometimes, the darkest times can bring us to brightest places. That our most painful struggles can grant us the most necessary growth; and that the most heartbreaking losses of friendship and love can make a room for the most wonderful people.

I've learned that what seems like a curse at the moment can actually be a blessing, and that what seems like the end of the road is actually just the discovery that we are meant to travel down the different path.

I've learned that no matter how difficult things seem, there is always hope and I've learned that no matter how powerless we feel or how horrible things seem, we can't give up.

We have to keep going. Even when it's scary, even when all of our strength seems gone, we have to keep picking ourselves back up and moving forward because whatever we're battling at the moment, it will pass and, and we will make it through. We've made it this far. We can make it through whatever comes next.

"Mom?"

I blinked my eyes when my secretary called my name. I don't even notice that I'm already preoccupied. I sighed and smiled at her.

"What is it, Zella?" I asked.

"I just wanted to inform you that you have no schedules for today, Mam. If you want to go home already, I will take charge of everything." She said with formality.

I bit my lower lip so hard and leaned back in my swivel chair. This past few weeks I've been busy here in the office so I breathed a sigh of relief when Zella said I don't have an appointment now. I badly need a rest.

I shook my head. "No need. I won't go home first because there might be a sudden emergency meeting. I'll just call you when I need you."

He nodded. "Alright, Mam. I better get going."

I smiled a bit. "Sure ..."

She bowed her head for the second time and I watched her as she leaves my office. Zella is one of the people that I can trust wholly.

I folded my hands and rested my elbows on my office table. The month of December is really my busiest month. Many order us sweaters, jackets and scarfs. It's cold here in Los Angeles and a few days to go, it's Christmas.

I've been living here in LA for about ... five years and I can say that this place became my comfort zone. I live quietly here and I have fun whenever I want. This is the life I want. Indeed, the most important thing is to enjoy your life and be happy— it's all that matters.

And for the past five years, I kept myself busy with work. I'm now managing my own Clothing Company and I can say that I'm really enjoying it. This is really my dream since I was a child and now, I already achieved it.

It's really sad that I'm not with my parents in reaching these dreams but ... they are my inspiration to strive for this dream. And now, this company is successful and our companies and boutiques have many branches all over the world.

But despite that, I never showed myself in public ... maybe only employees in the main branch of the company know me and a few investors. There is a chance that someone will know me and I didn't want to then. People who know me might just judge me because of the height of my achievements.

It's not that I'm scared of it. I just really don"t want to get involved in issues like that so I haven"t revealed my true identity yet. But maybe soon, I can introduce myself to the public but not for now. I'm just taking my warm up for now.

Also during the five years I have been here in America a lot has happened. I also went through a lot of trials but I think about what I went through before, it was not even within the fingertips of what I went through here so I was really calm.

And of course, I have Roxanne and Seymour on my side and they helped me in every single thing I do and I owe them so much for that. I may have my failures sometimes but, they still got my back. They really are my best friend, my true friends.

But sometimes, I can't help myself but to think about him.

Moving on was never been easy, anyway. It's so hard starting a chapter of your life without the person you used to have. It's really difficult waking up each day knowing that everything has changed. But I realized, life does not end there and everything happens for a reason. It will be hard at first, of course. You will have difficulty of sleeping, eating and facing life but in the long run you will eventually be excited with life again. Feel the pain, cry it all out. It does not make you less of a person if you do. After all, you will be fine.

I loved him then and I became too stupid. Maybe that's enough for me to learn.

I sighed then get a book from my mini book shelf and read it to somehow lessen my boredom.

According to Nicholas Sparks, Marriage is about becoming a team. You're going to spend the rest of your life learning about each other, and every now and then, things blow up. But the beauty of marriage is that if you picked the right person and you both love each other, you'll always figure out a way to get through it.

A bitter smile is formed on my lips. Being engaged into a marriage is the last thing that I would do in my whole life. I'm scared of marriage because I don't want to be tied to someone who won't appreciate me and will only hurt me.

Seriously speaking, I actually believe that you shouldn't stress yourself at the past because there is nothing you can do to change it, that you should focus on the the present and create your future. But seriously speaking too, I can't actually apply that to myself and I don't know why.

I closed the book and put it back on the mini book shelf.

The chapters of my life at the past were really painful and heartbreaking. But, it is my destiny to experience that. And also, the struggles that I experienced made me strong again, like the old times.

I guess, that was all worth it. Because that made the new version of me.

And hey, I'm happy to introduce the new me in all of you.

I finally signed of being Rigella Crisostomo-De Leon and I'm happy to tell you all that ... I changed. Like my name ...

Because I am now called as Andrea Steinfields. The woman who is fiercer, and better than before ...

To be continued...