Chapter19

"Oh, I promised someone a first slow dance." Leila turns me, shoving me into Jake, hard. He automatically reacts and catches me, again, keeping me upright as I collide with his chest, righting me once more. He lets me go as though I've burned him, shifting apart and upping the awkward tension between us. "Keep her warm for me until I come back, Jacob!" She grins cheekily and takes off at speed. "That girl …" he utters tightly, avoiding my face. "You've got to love her though." I shrug, biting my lip. The nervousness is overwhelming me, unable to look at his face and the music is moving into full swing as couples move around us, joining together to sway. I fidget with my hair awkwardly and shuffle my feet, looking around for a quick exit. This is beyond unbearable and incredibly intense. I catch him glaring at my fingers mid-twirl and release the strand nervously. He can still close me down with a look. "Want to dance with me, Anderson?" His low tone halts me as my stomach flips and hesitation jumps in. I don't know if I can bare this. "I don't bite …" He smiles, and I catch the flicker of amusement in his eye, remembering the last time he'd said it to me, so long ago. No, he didn't bite, he just devastated hearts. He doesn't give me a moment to answer or think, just reaches out for my wrist, and pulls me into him so my body softly collides with his, and I reach up with flat palm to his chest. He maneuvers me perfectly in his arms and sways me in time to the music, his face above me and turned away, so there's no confusion as to what this is. I tense, his touch is all I've craved for, for days, all I've thought about, but not like this. He's forced into this, standing in the middle of a ballroom floor surrounded by important people trying to pretend we are how we used to be. He doesn't want to cause a scene. He doesn't want to be here with me and I waiver as a swell of emotion overtakes me causing my eyes to well up. I can't do this. I can't pretend like everything is okay and we can just put the past behind us. I can't put the past behind me, I can't pretend that I don't still feel the same way about him. It's agony. "I can't do this …" I whisper, emotion breaking in my voice and I pull myself free. I try to turn away, but he catches my chin with his hand, lifting it up to him quickly. I know he sees my pain and my eyes are almost overflowing with the effort of not crying. I've become so useless at finding my mask nowadays, it's long since deserted me and this close to him I'm defenseless. His lips part and he frowns, but he lets me go. There's some sort of recognition run over his face as if he's seen something he doesn't like, maybe he's finally realizing why we can never go back to before. Because his stupid ex PA has become so utterly devoted to every part of him that she can no longer function in his presence. That's one thing for sure that could send him running for the hills … Love. "I need to go." I turn my face downwards trying to hide the tears as they spill down my cheek. I turn on my heels, walking away as fast as I can, taking deep breaths, trying to calm the inner chaos begging to erupt all over this ballroom floor. Trying to get the feel and smell of him away from me so I can breathe, so I can function. He stands motionless on the floor, but I can feel his eyes following me and it hurts me more than I can bear. I walk through the crowds on the dance floor until I find open space, maneuvering among people and faces trying to find a way out of this infernal room. My heart is beating erratically, I'm afraid to turn around and see him again, I need to stay strong and leave. Pushing until I get to the edge of the dance floor, I stop to take a deep breath, my legs weak as I try to steady my pulsing heart rate. My cell vibrates in my clutch bag and I curse inwardly at whoever it is who has picked the worst moment to summon me. I grate my teeth as I yank my cell out, anger growing inside me at this damn job and the way it always imposes on every part of my life. Jake Carrero has sent you an iTunes gift. I freeze, almost dropping my phone in shock. My breathing ups a gear, making me afraid to move. I stare for a long second. What? Why would he? Why now, after everything? Our long-forgotten mode of communication. Jake sending me songs as way of giving messages is lost and forgotten since he severed our tie and sent me away, along with our friendship. I don't understand why he would try and get to me this way now, how much this hurts me. I screw my eyes closed. I'm dreaming, this is all a hallucination and when I open my eyes, it'll be gone. I can't do this; I can't have him acting like we used to. I just saw him, and it was obvious it'll never go back to how it was. Is that what he wants? PA Emma back, friend and platonic assistant? I can never go back there. With shaking fingers, I swipe the screen slowly, scared, and hesitant but my breath catches as I read the email, a small gasp leaving my lips as my eyes fill with moisture. Jake Carrero has sent you: "Say You Love Me" by Jessie Wares. The tears fall before my brain has time to connect. What does this mean? He knows I love him? I don't know what to think or feel. I spin around scanning the dance floor, looking for him, for some hint of an idea at what this means or what he wants from me. All I see is an ocean of people. I've come too far, my sight of him hindered by the crowd and I stay facing the floor, my head whirling. I made the mistake once before of not being honest with him. No matter what this means, I won't make the same mistake again. Sarah was right. We didn't ever just say what we felt, we never talked about feelings. I don't want to be that girl anymore. Even if I humiliate myself, then at least I'll leave him in no doubt as to how I feel this time. If anything, maybe he'll finally leave me alone and stay out of my life. I open iTunes and scroll; every title lacks what I want to say. I try some keywords and there it is—it's perfect. I know the song, it's what I should have told him a long time ago. I purchase and send while holding my breath incase air destroys my courage. Emma Anderson, you've sent Jake Carrero "Only Love Can Hurt Like This" by Paloma Faith. I look up again, scanning the crowds, searching the floor but I don't see him. It pains me more, every face a disappointment and I shove my phone back in my bag and push it aside. My body is in chaos, my mind floundering and my breathing is labored. I've never been so terrified. If only I could see him, figure out what all this means. I want to see his reaction; I want to know how to feel. Feeling like I'm hanging from a cliff by my fingernails torn that maybe I should go back and see if I can find him. And then, there he is. Pushing through the wave of bodies toward me, looking around, his eyes search every girl with tawny hair in a red dress and they finally fall on me while I am rooted to the spot. He falters, his body straightens, his eyes lock on mine with a force that make me stand stone still, caught in his spell. I'm in no doubt that he was searching for me. He strides toward me, his eye on his target, he's homed in and his look is stern with intent. He marches toward me, without breaking eye contact, not stopping to look at the people beside him who try to get his attention. Just me and he's moving fast, he doesn't hesitate. Two more strides and he's at me, his hands on my face, cupping my jaw, pulling me forward hard and his mouth molds to mine. The power of his kiss makes me melt, grabbing onto his arms for support so my legs don't give out. The emotion behind it opens me up to him and I surrender. Letting him capture me, drag me into him and lose myself. His lips mold to mine and our tongues caress in perfect unison. I'm free falling and time ceases to exist, everyone disappears and it's only him. Pulling me under into a wave of euphoria that's untouchable. It doesn't matter that we're surrounded by people, doesn't matter how many see this, all there is in time and space is him and I. Locked this way as my heart soars and my stomach flutters with a million butterflies and the noises fade away. After what seems like forever, yet not long enough he pulls away from me, breathing hard, matching my own breathlessness. His hands are on my face, gently holding me still like I'm precious glass. Holding me close, his forehead against mine, my hands on his upper arms are gripping on tightly to his jacket. We don't speak, just breathe each other in, our eyes locked, pupils large and focused, passing a million messages.