Chapter 13

I don't know what to say. I'm completely dumbstruck into silence. I want to rewind to seconds ago when his mouth was on me and his fingers sliding inside of me when I didn't want him to stop. I'm reeling with confusion, stung by his instant rage and close to tears. My heartache returning with a passion as he walks off from the car into darkness for a few minutes. I can barely make out his powerful figure as he paces back and forth. He seems to be really pissed off, trying to regain some control, arguing with himself. If it weren't so traumatic it would be kind of funny to watch. I try to pull in my thoughts, hauling my skirt around me a little, trying to conceal as much nakedness as I can before he returns. He spins toward the car, and stalks back with a glare of sheer fury as he slams into his seat with a closed off expression on his face. He doesn't look at me, just throws us into reverse at speed, causing me to shoot forward. His hand darts out, grabs me and stops my collision with the dash. "Put your fucking belt on!" he barks, angrily. Almost like he's slapped me in the face, and I remove his hand from my waist and scramble to pull my belt over, harnessing myself in obediently. I can't speak … On the verge of breaking down because I have no idea what I've done wrong and I become a jumble of shaking nerves. What the hell happened? He flicks on the stereo with a push of a button and music blares around us. Nickelback's 'Rockstar' is mid-chorus, loud and invading, drowning out the ability to talk. He's making it very clear he has no intention of talking anymore. His focus is on the road as he reverses out into a clearing, a little more gently this time, but his face is a picture of rage. He gets us back on route, jaw tight and frowning. I can see the darkness in his eyes, even from this angle, and know he's in another shitty mood, clearly in psycho mode. He's driving a little more aggressively, just like he did on the way back to the boat when we went away on holiday. Even that nightmare ended with me not seeing him for over a week. I don't feel quite so relaxed anymore as he makes full use of the car's responsive acceleration. I know a severely pissed Carrero when I see it, but I don't understand why. I slide down in my seat, trying to look out the window away from him. My heart pounding through my chest manically, so afraid to even look his way. I have so much I want to say to him, but this reaction, and the way he's acting has killed the words on my lips. I want to cry and get as far away from him as possible, so I can sob this night away. I maneuver my skirt around my waist, so the split is up the outer side on my thigh, at least I'll be able to hold it together when I make my exit and only expose my leg instead of ass. I catch him glancing at me, his expression harsh. He clenches his teeth, making his jaw move in agitation and looks away again quickly almost spearing my heart with the ferocity of his glare. The rest of the journey is tense and conversation free as loud music blares around us, adding to the heightened fragile atmosphere. * * * When we finally pull up to my building, he gets out, and comes around to let me out of the car. Yanking the door upwards, he stands back, keeping his distance as I clamber out, ungracefully holding my skirt with one hand and gripping the doorframe with the other. We avoid looking at one another, the icy air between us sending out chills. I long for him to say something … anything. But he doesn't. He just closes the door behind me and walks off, getting back into his beast, pulling away, and leaving me standing on the curb. The sound of his tires immediately screeching on the road adds another slice to my already slashed heart. One more Jake scar for the collection. Sarah looks me up and down in confusion and worried alarm, questions held on her lips, yet she says nothing. She's waiting for me to explain, watching my expression earnestly. I'm holding my skirt together with one hand at my thigh but it's not doing much to conceal my naked leg, she can probably see my lack of panties too. I shake my head, sighing, my face pleading with her, as though begging, 'Please don't say a word' and I walk past her. She moves aside, her mouth agog but thankfully, she leaves me alone to let me walk to my room to shut her out. I strip, quickly pulling on sweats and a loose T-shirt before sinking down onto my bed, letting loose the scrambled thoughts in my brain. I groan inwardly. Dampening the agony. My aching heart is solidly back in place and I run a hand over my eyes and rub harshly, smudging my make-up. What the hell did we do? Again? I'm more confused now than ever before. I thought Jake sending me away had been so final. It told me he wanted me out of his life, that he wasn't into me at all. Yet look what just happened. I didn't initiate any of it this time, he did. But he also ended it just as abruptly. He even said doing those things to me were why he sent me away in the first place. Jake will never want what I want. He's not looking for a girlfriend, especially not one like me. Yet, somehow, I seem to have had as much of an effect on him as he did on me. I want to cry but there's a tiny glint of hope inside of me, not just from the last few minutes together but about the entire day. The events leading up to his kiss, his touch. He was going to have Dan Gabrielle fired. He'd already warned Ray off, then he forbade me to leave New York; almost pleading with me not to go. If I think logically, he's acting like a man with some deep feelings for me. But, if I listen to my heart, it's telling me I know Jake's way better than that. He's always been protective of me. He cares because I'm his friend, he's a good man who defends any woman's right to be respected, more than any man I've ever known. It only makes him even more appealing. But kissing me? Almost having me on his car? And then, there's Marissa. Something neither of us broached. Marissa and his unborn child. There's no way I could ever forget her presence in his life. A gentle knock on my door interrupts my train of thought and Sarah comes inside, shyly bearing two mugs of cocoa. She slides them down on the bedside table and climbs on the bed beside me, lying down, mirroring my pose across the quilt. "What happened to your skirt?" she asks, reaching down to the floor to try to grab it. She untangles it and holds it high, smirking in admiration. "Jake happened." I shrug. We've come so far in our relationship lately; we no longer have secrets. I've learned how to communicate with her a little better and enjoy having someone to confide in nowadays, about Jake anyway. "Wow! … As in … You had sex?" She turns to gaze at me. "Ripped skirt says sex to you?" I blink back flatly. "The lack of panties under ripped skirt says sex to me." She grins but her smile falters when she catches my dark expression and shaking head. "Well, if you call getting me to the point of almost screwing me on his car bonnet, then walking away, and dumping me out front without a goodbye, sex then …" the tears bite at my eyes but I don't allow myself to cave. I'm so tired of crying these past weeks. No wonder I'm confused. "…Wait … He did what?" She turns to stare at me, her eyes boring into my profile with as much confusion as I have. "I don't even know. It's been a long day, so much has happened, and it sort of led to being dragged out of his car for a heated make out session that he ended … And now he's pissed at me for something he started." I raise my hands in agitation, voice pitched. "He drives me crazy." "Holy hell … I thought you didn't even see him anymore … You left for work in a funk and come home half dressed … How the hell did you get from there to … Well, here? In a day!" She grins at me, but I shake my head again, more confused than even her. "I don't even know, Sarah … I don't know what to think anymore … I ran into him in the elevator, then things just seemed to escalate from there. I saw him twice after that and he brought me home … The kiss happened on the way here." My eyes drop to the satin bed spread and I fumble with the surface threads, my mind a chaotic mess. "Did he say anything?" She narrows her eyes, studying my face. She's been trying to analyze everything "Jake" since he sent me away a month ago. "You know about making out with you, then stopping it?" I shake my head and take deep heavy breaths, trying to stop the thundering of my heart. Calm the trembling of my body as the shock finally dies away and the pain starts.