Chapter 13: Clean Slate

"Sit," Ryan says after dismissing his employees, though, half of them are still loitering the hallways, peering in through the glass panels of Ryan's office to see what happens next. What I do next. I keep my gaze fixed on Ryan's table, folding my trembling hands together so he doesn't see how shaken I am by my own actions. "Amber, sit." I raise my gaze from the table to meet his of stark blue. I search his eyes for the judgement, disdain and anger I had half expected to see, but there is only fatigue there. I let out a shuddering breath and lower myself to the oddly comfortable chair. "Sorry," I mutter under my breath, feeling all shades of stupid. "That doesn't cut it!" he suddenly snaps and I jerk in surprise at the anger that has taken over his features. His palms slam onto his table and I flinch, inching backward. "I came to you. Over and over again. I suspected it, but I didn't want to believe that you'd keep something so dire from me. Three years! Three fucking years of his life. I missed that. The least you could have done was tell me the truth! And now, you barge into MY company, MY office, to do what exactly?! Talk to me? Pacify me with an apology?" My eyes burn, and the back of my throat hurts as I swallow. "Yeah. I acted without considering it all. It was one night and that isn't enough to tell if you'd want a child from a woman you don't know. Or if you would have believed me if I told you I was pregnant." "And when I asked if Ash was mine? Why did you lie to me?" My lips wobble and though I try to keep the tears at bay, they still betray me and slide down my cheeks. "I was scared," I say, voice breaking. His eyes shut. He groans and straightens, running his fingers through his dark wavy hair. "What did you tell Ash about me?" I wipe my cheeks swiftly before he can see the tears. "That you worked far away, and you would come home soon. He's only asked once. Where you are. He asks other things. If you were an artist. Or an astronaut. Or a teacher. If you liked my hair. Or my pie." My voice cracks on the last word and my head hangs low in shame. "I'm sorry," I say again, meaning it from the depth of my very soul. He sighs before dropping into his seat rather gracefully. "Look at me, Amber." I do, and it takes holding my breath and clenching my jaw to keep from bawling. "I will not presume to understand what it has been like to raise Ash alone. I had no idea, but now, I do, and I want to be there. I want to be his father. I want to be a part of his life, and should you deny me of my rights as his father—" "I won't," I cut in sharply, noting the fact that he said he wanted to be a part of Ash's life. Not mine and Ash's life. It shouldn't hurt this much, but it does. His lips form a thin line as he observes me with cold unblinking eyes. There are so many words unspoken between us, and the air is extremely heavy with tension. "I will let you be there for him, be his father, but will your family let you?" His eyes narrow slightly as he reads the hidden meaning behind my words. Like I said before, there are risks I will not take when it comes to my son and situations I will not place him in. Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell Ryan that his brother is my ex, since I'm being exceptionally truthful today, but I doubt breaking that to him now will quench the anger he is feeling. Some other time, perhaps. "What my family wants and what I want are two different things, Amber." I lean in. "And what do you want, Ryan?" His expression remains cool as he says, "To be with my son." I let him see my determination and the intensity behind my eyes as I say, "Will you announce to the world that you have a son now? Should I expect the paparazzi by my door tomorrow morning? Or will it be your parents who come to take him from me?" His jaw clenches and his eyes flare, but I don't care. "Don't ask me things like that. I will claim him as mine. No one will take him from you. You are his mother. My son's mother. I need you to understand that I will not let anyone keep him away from you." "And you expect me to trust you and take your word for it?" "Yes!" he yells, exasperated. "I am a man of my word." Needing to be sure that I'm not making a mistake, I blurt, "I don't know that. I don't even know you." "Well then, that needs to be fixed." I arch a brow. "What does that even mean?" He leans back, spinning slightly in his executive seat. "It means, I won't just be getting to know my son. I'll get to know you as well, and you me. Start off a clean slate." Clean slate? Right, because our first meeting was anything but clean. "Sure," I say. "This is for Ash. Nothing else." Still that cool demeanor as he replies, "For Ash."