Chapter 3 Wish I am

Three I violently dropped the coffee cup I was holding on the round table of my place. I no longer cared what else had to be done at the conference or about Engineer Dionysus. I just hailed a taxi and headed straight home. "I mean, Zoe, I know he s happy with another woman. It should be okay after five years, right? I should also show that I am happy," I said to my friend on the screen. As soon as I arrived, I immediately video-called Zoe, especially since my system didn t keep up with what was happening. How many times have I imagined this day in a few years — the day we will meet again? Asher Felix isn t my first love, but he was the first man I will long forget. It was as if any year is not enough to ignore him. "I swear, you need a closure," Zoe said bluntly, looking chill in the room she was occupying in another country. Unlike me, her face is calmer than in previous years. I am very grateful to my friend. Because the past five years have not been good for me, and I never once expected what happened. In short, I had it worst. Fortunately, I have someone to lean on—Zoe. I shook my head at the woman in front of me, my brain still confused. "Zoe, sometimes not having a closure is—" "The closure?" "—The closure," I mimicked a line I heard in a movie. "And not everyone s life is like a movie, Ali. You should snap out of it." I was immediately taken aback by what he said. "Not everything we see with our eyes is true." I brought the coffee again and sipped. "We, people, should really believe in what we see. If not, we weren t the only ones who would be hurt," I exclaimed. "Now, look at you. You only believe what you see. Are you happy?" I immediately fell silent. I really want to answer that question right away, but I didn t want to lie. I wanted to answer the question right away, but I knew I was only fooling myself. Am I happy? Ever since I forced myself away from that place, away from Asher, have I been happy? Zoe spoke again after noticing my silence. "Who cares if they are happy with each other? What, can t you be happy with your own life? Asher is such a big loser!" When the man and I separated, my life literally ended as well. I did not ask for an explanation. I did not show up. I disappeared like a bubble during those times, and everything was in disarray. I am not happy. I m not happy, and I blame myself a hundred times, but that doesn t matter anymore. I can t always be seen down or broken. If they are happy, I should be happy — I must. After Zoe and I stopped talking, I directly typed Asher Felix s name on the laptop in front of me, then various news flooded in about the man. It wasn t a good decision because I felt like I was burning myself in what I was doing. He became really successful. He got what he wanted and made sure of his family as well. That those five years were such a blessing for him. He achieved his goals of being able to help other people and helping his family. FL Hotel also has a big competition with hotels in the country, so it will not last long to be number one even in the world. I would lie to myself if I said I am not envious because I am really right now. "There is so much think that he can be proud of. . ." I whispered to myself. The violent vibration of the cellphone next to me caught my attention. I immediately answered it when Engineer Lucas name appears on the screen. "Engineer," I immediately said to Lucas, also one engineer held by Engineer Dionysus. There were only a few of us in the office, so we almost became friends. "What is it?" "Engineer Diony was looking for you earlier. You don t even text him. Where are you?" I ve been really attentive at work, but I am now stressed and not nearly as strong just because I saw that man. "At home–" "Great! I ll go there. I ll pick you up," he said bluntly. I was immediately alarmed, especially since I don t know what I look like now because of what I m doing. "What s up?" "Thanksgiving party? I don t know about Engineer, exactly. Beer party?" Suddenly, my ears almost clapped at what I heard. I immediately dropped the call after saying goodbye to the man and started preparing. One way to clear out one s mind is to drown yourself in alcohol — that is some. I wouldn t be surprised if I suddenly had a seizure because of excessive drinking. All that I need to do for now is to erase that man in my mind, and if I mumble in this place, it s like I m just killing myself. "I. . . I just can t do this." It was as if I had poured hot water on what I heard. My forehead was furrowed when I tried to peek through the small hole in the door, and I was so shocked when I saw Asher, near to my door. A few men talked about it, but I could no longer see clearly because of the distance and smallness of the hole. The way he said all those words. It was foreign to me. Even if I don't want to admit that, I could feel all his honesty and sincerity. He doesn t want to be selfish. He doesn t want to ruin everything again. He doesn t want to ruin my happiness. He doesn t want to hurt me again. One, two, three daggers entered inside me. After that, I could barely count. Consecutive and seemingly. . . endless. My knees became so soft that I could easily fall to the floor. I immediately hugged my knees. This time, I wanted to shed tears again, but not a single grain came out. I sighed again when I felt the vibration of the cellphone I was holding. Without hesitation, I answered it, not looking at who it might be. "Engineer, go out now, so we don t get too late." "I will." In the following events, I seemed to have lost control. I just sent in pain and anger. It s up to you, Alessia. I reorganized myself. I removed the hair tie and gently combed it before opening the door. I wish we would meet again even though it is so impossible for this to happen. "Love! Please wait for me. There are some things that I haven t fixed yet," I thundered to my oncoming colleague. From where I stand, I saw Lucas shock, then he frown. He had already passed where I could see AsherH, so I had the same courage to run closer to the co-worker and hold his hand. "I m sorry, Engineer," I whispered to the man entering my place. I know this isn t the nicest thing to do, but then I will explain everything to the man. Now, I just need to think about how to show Asher that I m happy too—I just wish I am.